I Invoke Thee

This weekend is going to be a big deal. While in a lot of pagan circles, Beltane is celebrated on May day, being May first – or the entire month of may. In Scotland and northern Ireland, it is traditionally celebrated on May 15, which is the midway point between the spring equinox and summer solstice. Traditional Beltane celebrations involve bonfires, which I will be doing later on in the month to purify myself and my belongings for moving into my new apartment (hey, by the way, I got it and can start moving in June 1) which means getting rid of a lot of things that tie me to my past that I no longer need or want. The Beltane festival begins for me, tonight at Sundown – which is fitting, because I will be at Devon’s. We’re already both hydrating in preparation for this weekend. Since Beltane is the celebration of the marriage between the god and goddess, and the celebration of fertility, it is celebrated by um… being fertile? Or trying to be…in our case, it will be the attempt that will be worth the fun. It begins the summer season of court for the Tuatha De Danan. It’s a time of purification and transition, and a season of hope for an upcoming good harvest. A lot of times it is celebrated by handfastings – a period of commitment no shorter than a year and a day…exchanging tokens of affection, wildflowers, fruits, breads for the fairy folk etc. It is typically celebrated outdoors, by running water – a stream, waterfall, dew – but since I’m pretty sure that’s illegal for what we have in mind – a bathtub might have to do…and sunlight. In describing it to her best friend, she called it the pagan equivalent of valentine’s day, and while I’ve never thought of it in those terms before, it kind of works. Less comercial, and more…um…something else. I plan on doing lots of studying this weekend – deeply intense studying. something. Yeah.

I’m going to get some rowan and juniper for the bonfire…some hawthorn…wildflowers. Candles. Something. It’s the wedding feast of the god and goddess, where you see the fruits of their union in the form of spring – and I’ve never quite managed to celebrate it in the traditional way before. To say I’m excited is a bit of an understatement. Typically things have gone wrong for me around this holiday – but Devon and I are prepared, and we have sworn we are not leaving the house except for a two hour interlude in order to celebrate the birthday of her best friend’s husband. I’m okay with that. Barring divine intervention or horrible illness of one kind or another, it’s going to be one of my first true beltanes, the first one that I am doing my own blessing for, the first one I am doing all the invocations and callings for – and the first one I will truly be celebrating with a partner. It’s a big deal. Not to mention that the 15th is also our 4 month anniversary – which is a huge step, and it’s a huge hurdle leap from her past relationships, it marks the beginning (to me at least) of leaps of faith, my own form of jumping the fire – we’ve made it past the point where most people don’t. I’m moving to be closer to her in June. She will be moving in with me once her lease is up in November – she has already told her roommate, and it’s official and everything. Also in November, we will be going on a trip to Maine over thanksgiving for me to meet her family, which is also huge. To me, this celebration is the beginning of a season of light, of good things – positive energy. Maybe not fertility in a traditional sense, but fertility of the soul. The dawning of a new age in our relationship, where we’ve been getting closer, more connected, more aware of each other, speaking to each other – being open and vulnerable about our needs and desires. Preparing to smash our lives together in a very real way. Taking steps towards our future, one day at a time. It’s a lovely spring, here. It’s really just the beginning, the tip of the ice burg of good and positive things to come. I sense it – I feel it, and I know it to be true, rather than just holding on a hope for it. Like she told me, what seems like so long ago “I know you’re it for me, Jules…I don’t just think it, don’t just hope it – I know it.”

Its’ funny, and I forgot to mention – she was talking to her Father while I was away in Michigan, and he told her something precious to me that I will never forget. He said “I can sense that this relationship is different from all your other relationships. I know this is it for you, and I’m so happy for you” I actually spoke to her father, briefly via the wonder that is facebook while I was gone – and he told me that he’s happy I’m in Devon’s life, and that he can’t wait to welcome me into the family in person. For me, this was a huge moment, finding a sense of family in hers – a sense of acceptance that my “family” has always been lacking. I’ve made a family for myself – I have a core group of 4 – 3 people from group, including one I have started calling my big sister, my mirror and a big brother that I’ve always wanted and my best friend. Now, I have been welcomed to and accepted into a family, through my life cohort. And I couldn’t have asked for a bigger or more meaningful blessing. In group last night, I formally completed a fifth step – admitting to myself, to a higher power and to 3 other human beings the exact nature of my wrongs, my shortcomings and defects of character, my mistakes. And it was hard. Very hard. I was afraid of losing their acceptance. Of being rejected. Made fun of. And you know what? It didn’t happen. I was met with more love, more compassion, more understanding and acceptance than I could have imagined. I was okay, just as I was. There is nothing wrong with me. And I don’t have to live with the shame of that past guilt anymore. I don’t have to beat myself up about the past anymore. I don’t have to dwell on it, or live in it – and I am not doomed to repeat it. Ever. Again. I’m moving on, from this place – starting over. This spring is the birth of new life – and it’s my rebirth into a world I have chosen for myself, surrounded by people I love, people I trust and people who have proven my vulnerability is not groundless or worthless – but precious. For the first time in my life, I have a family. And it’s the best family I could have chosen for myself. Truly – and yes, some of you OD people I definitely consider my family. You’ve seen me through so much, read about it all – and have been non-judgmental, supportive, sympathetic and understanding. I appreciate it more than I can say.

So, Belinos – god of the sun, father sky – I invoke thee.
Aeval – goddess of fertility and sexuality
I Invoke thee. Your child calls for thee. Grant us blessing in the celebration of your union, in the birth of new life, in the consecration of all things new…in my rebirth. Blessings on your unification…and I humbly ask as a child of your spirit for your blessing on mine…

bless, oh threefold true and bountiful myself, my spouse and my family. Bless everything within my dwelling new and old and in my possession. Bless the kire and crops, the flocks and corn, from Samhain Eve to Beltane Eve, with goodly progress and gentle blessing, from sea to sea and every river mouth, from wave to wave and base of waterfall. Be the maiden, mother and crone, taking possession of all to me belonging. Be the Horned God, the wild spirit of the forest, protecting me in truth and honor. Satisfy my soul and shield my loved ones blessing every thing and every one. All my land and my surroundings. Great gods who create and bring life to all, I ask for your blessings on this day of fire. I invoke thee…