Afterglow: Ignorance, Bliss and starlight…

What I want right now:
1) blankets, snuggles and kisses
2) a hot water bottle/heating pad
3) coffee or hot chocolate
4) an ice pack for both shoulders, simultaneously
5) a whateverthefuck without an attitude problem
6) a lot more kindness for intolerance
7) a good book, a comfortable bed and a good movie. Yes, all at once
8) chocolate. Lots of it
9) home-made mac and cheese, with ketchup

What I have right now:
1) a rather uncomfortable office chair, attitudes and stupidity
2) an almost-empty bottle of aleve
3) I could have coffee, but it would require me to get up. So I have watered down soda
4) Nothing. This is causing me discomfort
5) A whateverthefuck with an attitude problem
6) A low level of patience, and a high level of infuriation
7) Too much work to do, but not the patience to do it
8) I had a lollipop. It didn’t help
9) I think I have Chinese leftovers at home in the fridge. Yum.

I will now stop complaining. Sorta.

Today started out…beautifully. Absolutely beautifully. Even though I didn’t melt myself into bed until around 1:30 am, after getting myself home from Spike’s at midnight-ish, I woke up with slightly sore muscles, but my stomach was behaving itself (minus the random bouts of butterflies), a head still full of dreams and a day full of possibilities. I lived somewhere between different stars all morning, remembering bits and pieces…kind of letting my thoughts drift, until a rather powerful progression of events in my head would make my eyes snap wide open and cause me to drool a bit. I did this on repeat. So…I decided to go to the grocery store before lunch to pick up something to drink, and maybe something to snack on. I’m standing in line, behind this sweet little old lady (who I think was seriously 150 years old) and I bent down to help her take some items out of her cart, since she was having trouble moving. After I finished, and pushed her cart out of the way for her (who says chivalry is dead?) She thanked me profusely, and said I was just a “very nice young man”. It happens. I’m kind of used to it. Actually, you can call me sir…no wait…nevermind…was losing my train of thought (damn the daydreams)…I just kind of smiled, and said “you’re welcome” etc…I get that my shirt is a lil big, and her eyesight probably isn’t that great anyway. The two lovely young men behind me, however, were not having it, and of course felt the need to correct her.

“Lady, that ain’t no young man – that’s a F*in queer. Better not let it touch your groceries, they carry disease and sh!t”. I kind of blinked a little bit, and turned around.
“excuse me?”
“you heard me, dyke…what makes you think your kind has the right to look at me?”. Yeah. Okay. That was enough. I gently made my way past the sweet old lady, who by now looks completely befuddled, and they follow. I stop, dead in my tracks, and look back at them. They don’t say anything, and neither do I, but I think I have finger marks embedded in my palms from clutching my fists so tightly. Then they walk past me, and both manage to body check (in the shoulder) both sides of me as they pass. Yeah. That was my welcome back to reality check today.

After that, I had an incident with J. I flipped out on her, honestly – but I’m not sorry, nor do I regret what I said. Two days ago, she promised to get with me so I could tell her about what happened with “the talk” on Tuesday night with Spike. Which was, ya know…kind of a big deal to me. Then again, the word “promise” is kind of a big deal to me – if someone promises me something, I kind of expect them to follow through. Although my stock in promises these days, after the last effing fiasco is kind of warn out its welcome, and I just don’t like the word. And the funny thing? She KNOWS this. We’ve HAD that talk. Repeatedly. If you tell me you’re going to do something, mean what you say and follow through – if you don’t, repeatedly? Kind of makes me feel that I’m just not important enough to remember. And for someone in recovery (and probably people out of recovery as well) that is just not a good feeling. Well, I hadn’t heard from her since. So I messaged her this morning, after last night, and start telling her the abridged and not too detailed version of what’s happening (because honestly? Details are no one else’s business anyway, but even if they WERE, why, oh why, would I tell HER). She stops me, mid-thought (actually mid question) and says her dad was taken to the hospital early that morning with shortness of breath and chest pains. I will be honest and say I don’t remember exactly what I said (I deleted that portion of the conversation prior to the freak out) but it was something to the effect of “yikes…sorry to hear that…what is up with people in my life’s family medical stuff this week”. I heard nothing. For an hour. Then the following ensues:

J: I’m sorry I said anything. Could really have used at least a “hope everything is okay” from you…just a little support was all I needed. Didn’t think it was too much to ask. I’m stopping now – not my intention to guilt you. I’m just a mess now.

*queue temper flare*
Me: Okay, first of all? You didn’t ask for anything, so whether or not it was too much isn’t even a question. Secondly, I’m not a fucking mind reader, and I don’t know what you want at any given time. Thirdly, I thought what I said was showing you support. I’m sorry it wasn’t in the way you wanted, or I didn’t say the right words, or whatever. But Again, I’m not a mind reader. I’m sorry to hear about your father. I’m equally sorry to hear D’s father and aunt just passed away, and Spike’s cousin was just diagnosed with cancer, and my sister was put in the hospital by an abusive boyfriend. All in the last 2 weeks. What do you want me to do for you? I understand you’re upset, J, but that does not give you the right to flip out because I’m not being supportive enough in the way you wanted, and for you to take it out on me. Enough. I CANNOT handle this from you. I’m already sorta (at least it feels that way sometimes) being used as a punching bag/whipping post. I’m stressed the fuck out, at my limit, and I cannot take you flipping out on me over semantics of whether or not I was supportive enough. That is BULLSHIT. You’re not around enough, or active enough in my life to have the right to do that. I will not be your whipping post for that, too. I refuse. Fuck that.

Overreaction? Possibly. I could have said so much more, but that was me actually TRYING to control myself. I could have said that I can’t remember the last time she was actually there for me. When the ex shit happened, she pretty much told me that I needed to learn to comfort myself, and pull myself out of the darkness. And then disappeared. So I relied on D, and some other friends in that difficult period. I don’t talk to her about what’s going on with me, usually, because she never has the time to be there for me. She knows next to nothing about my recovery. She knows none of the hard things in my life right now, because she just doesn’t have the time. She knows some of my happy thoughts because it’s easy to share those – I want to send a mass message to everyone in the world with those, and it takes no effort. I’m starting to understand the principle behind Coda – the only requirement for membership is a willingness to change – and to only seek relationships (be they romantic or friendships) with equal partners. This friendship has never been equal though, has it? It might just be time for me to re-evaluate some things. Should have time this weekend, if I can uncurl myself from the fetal position long enough.

Spike made me feel better at lunch – I had a comforting conversation and laughter and am currently harboring a daydream about kidnapping her (except she’s kinda willing) and running away somewhere else – anywhere else but here. She’s had her own party pooper person last night/today so yeah. Now that I’ve gotten that all out, and I can breathe without wanting to scream…I’m going to find out where my daydreams and rewind button and reliving last night left off…and let it continue. And THAT will be more than sufficient to stick the smile back on my face…and other things.