Wildfires, Storm clouds and waves

Wow. Just wow. First of all, let me just say that I think I need a mental health day. Seriously. And I just submitted my request to my boss to take tomorrow off. I feel so much right now, mostly good…that’s not true. Mostly euphoric…some slightly off-kilter. But I really feel the need to get away from this place for just a day. I have some things I need to take care of that I really don’t feel like going into, and on top of that? Honestly? I’m dead tired, and I could really use a little sleep. It’s not like I’m not sleeping well, I’m just not getting much of it. I sleep like the dead, when I’m actually sleeping. But I find it hard to fall asleep before midnight, at the earliest and then I’ve been waking up, without my alarm, earlier and earlier. Speaking of sleeping – I had the strangest dream I can remember last night. It was like I was visited by the memories of my past in the present. You might think that would be a bad thing, but it wasn’t really. It was positive, and I felt assured and happy. Some old friends I haven’t talked to much lately were there, all smiles and playing catch up with current circumstances. The ex, thankfully, did not make an appearance, however – her new boyfriend was in it. For some reason he and I were driving in a car together talking. He explained some things to me that made perfect sense at the time, but I can’t remember now. And I didn’t feel anything negative from being there with him. How I got out of that car to the downtown bar/grill I ended up at next is a complete mystery (sidenote…I just realized how true something from the movie Inception IS…in dreams we often find ourselves in different places, but we have no recollection of how we got there…oooh I should totally take tonight to drink mimosas, eat something and watch inception. That would be awesome) but I was there, carrying a tray of food and all the tables were full, so I sat down at one that two other people were sitting at, and thought nothing of it. Until Voldemort the 1st shows up and I realize I’m sitting next to her mother and her sister. So she starts talking to me, telling me about her life, and I’m just kind of sitting there dumbfounded at a loss for words, until she asks me about me. So I tell her. I tell her about group, about Spike, about life in general, and she just kinda smiles. Throughout the whole dream (which was full of little meetings like these two, with various different people, although these were the only two I ever dated and they were also the last) I felt a sense of acceptance, of happiness and in a way like I was being blessed with where I am now. Also, although I never actually SAW Spike, I could sense her. Like she was constantly standing either right behind me, or off to the side, just out of my peripheral vision. It was very strange, but good. I woke bolt upright in bed at 6 am on the dot, and despite hitting the snooze, I could not go back to sleep. I just lay there and remembered the dream, tried to write pieces of it down to get it to stick, and enjoyed the quiet. Or the not-so-quiet, since my friendly neighborhood woodpecker paid the walkway behind my bedroom an early morning visit.

At group last night, I got some surprising but elating news. Once a month, after the first meeting, and before the second, we have a business meeting for the group to discuss changes, issues, etc. I have been elected as the representative for our specific Coda group to the Intergroup, which meets once a quarter and does a day-long conference, etc. It’s a chance to get together with members from other groups from not only our area, but all over – a chance to meet some of the people who have written some of the materials we use, and a chance to be an ambassador of sorts for our group, which has become like a family to me. I was told that I was chosen because, although I am still relatively new to recovery, I “get it” and I can speak intelligently and brilliantly. Once again, I was told by some people at group that they’re impressed and look up to me, for as far as I’ve come in such a relatively short amount of time – that I was ready for this, and I’m taking recovery by the horns and refusing to compromise myself. That I’m determined to get better, stronger and more open to life, that I carry a sense of pride (again, for the second time in my life, someone told me that I walk like I own the world, which was strange to me) and that I’m someone that inspires people. Charismatic? Not an adjective I would have ever chosen for myself, but apparently there’s something about me that other people see, that I don’t notice that is just at the core of who I am. Maybe it’s always been there, this spark – but before it was an ember, and now it’s a bonfire that resides somewhere in the middle of my chest, and it’s infectious. It’s mind blowing to have someone I look up to and respect and see as kind of a hero tell me that I inspire them and that they’re so proud of me….and say it with tears in their eyes because they mean it that sincerely. These people don’t compliment people because they’re “supposed” to…they do it because they mean it. And it kind of just….I don’t even know how to describe how much it meant to me. I can’t. There are no words. None. Not even for a word-spinner like me.

After I got home from the meeting last night, I was talking to Spike for awhile. About the meeting, the group, notes I had taken, the fourth step, setting boundaries, etc. I was telling her a funny story from work about a co-worker of mine and it kind of evolved into this conversation we hadn’t managed to have before about us, the “label” talk, etc…how it happened, and what was said is kind of superglued to my eyelids right now, because I hear it every time I close my eyes (that makes no sense, really…but it’s true) but yeah…end result with details notwithstanding is we’re not just “dating” anymore. She’s my..girlfriend. And while it may be typical for me to be slightly intimidated or frightened by that, I’m not. I’m elated. And I get to see her tomorrow, for the first time since Sunday when I dropped her off, and I’m mentally willing time to speed up until it gets to be that time, and then I wouldn’t so much mind it stopping completely. Just for awhile, just so I can imprint everything in my head so that it sticks, lingers and remains. I won’t get to see her this weekend, as it is massive weekend of best-friend bonding time for her, and that’s okay. And ironic that we had that talk on the 15th…an exact month after we first started talking. Kind of fitting. And I’m using that as my f-you to valentines day, since it’s the day after. Yes, I am that much of a dork. Also, I think I’ve come up with the first of several pet names for Spike, as I mentioned yesterday (incidentally, the more I talk to her, the harder it is to actually type Spike, and not her name, and I keep having to go back and delete it and retype). But I called her “stormcloud” this morning…it’s fitting for various reasons, one being that she brought spring early to me this year, took me by surprise, and made me feel something… made me realize a willingness to feel, to experience and to enjoy it for all its worth. There are other reasons too (ahem) but nevermind.

I’m going to go attempt to focus on something productive for the rest of the day. Today has been beautiful, but its had some moments that I wasn’t very fond of. Afew things going on, one with my best friend that I can’t really talk about the way I’d like to… a few other things that I might expand upon later. But overall? The truth of the matter is, I’m still smiling. And it’s going to stay that way.