a rant, a hope, a happiness, and surprise…

this really should have been several different entries, but I’m going to mash them all into one and just go with that

Begin rant: I need to take a moment to rant about the situation going on currently in Uganda. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. A few months back…maybe longer than that, my vision of spatial time has become a bit distorted, I knew Uganda had a bill up for legislation that would make homosexuality an offense punishable by death. And the reason that bill was up for consideration was, in large part, thanks to the work of 3 American missionaries from New York, who went to Uganda and railed against the dangers of homosexuality to the family, negative morals, etc. A few weeks back, maybe a month, after anti-gay propaganda was distributed, calling for good christians to “hang them (the gays”, a gay rights activist was bludgeoned to death in his home. Two more missionaries, one a very prominent American speaker, Lou Engle have done talks in Uganda, advocating against the “homosexual problem” and planning on starting 50 more churches. I am sick and tired of the version of christianity in this country and the arrogance that goes along with it where someone will go overseas to preach the message of christ (which is about love) and advocate hate, instead. What gives Americans the right and the arrogance to think that this is acceptable? They know there’s no way they can promote their agenda of “death to gays” over here, so they go somewhere else where they can get away with it? And what are the consequences of this? PEOPLE ARE DYING. And they don’t have to look at or accept those consequences, because it’s happening across the world. When these missionaries and speakers are done, they can turn around and go home to their comfortable lives, here. Uganda is a 3rd world country, where superstition and blind faith are rampant. They listen to Americans because we’re supposed to know what we’re talking about, aren’t we? And they can’t pretend to not know what the outcome of these little talks are going to be. Death. Heartbreak. I swear, if I thought I could do something, I’d be on the next plane, by myself or not. Someone’s got to do something, but I have no idea what can be done that would reverse the damage that’s already been caused. What next, for Uganda? what next for these ministers of god that are causing (once again, history repeating itself) the deaths of innocent people, whose only crime is to be who they are – and to stand up for the rights of others. What next for this country, which is so eager to rush in and go to war with Iraq and Afghanistan (part of the reason for Iraq, at least in theory was civil liberties/human ethics reasons, no?) but we ignored Darfur, and now we are ignoring a situation in Uganda which our citizens helped inflame. It’s got to stop somewhere, and I demand some kind of reckoning be done with the American citizens who incited this kind of ignorant violence. It’s appalling, and it’s got to STOP. Seriously. End rant.

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With that aside,

“all I want is to rock your soul…”

You know, it’s funny. I was thinking last night on the drive home about something an old friend used to tell me all the time, that I hadn’t thought about in ages. She used to look at me and say “jules…you walk like you own the world. Someday you’ll believe that you do”. I’m not sure about world-domination but part of the change in me over the last couple of months has been a kind of quiet confidence. I can be cocky, but it’s usually done in a teasing and over-the-top depreciating manner. There are certain things I’m very confident over. But she said this to me, geez – got to be 8-9 years ago now, and I wrote about it back then, and how funny it was, considering it was the opposite of how I felt at the time. Now…I don’t know. The changes I’m experiencing aren’t coming just one at a time, orderly and polite, waiting their turn to be acknowledged. They’re hitting me full in the stomach, one right after the other, and if I don’t swallow in pace with the tide, I wonder if I would be carried away with it. I’m learning so much. But really, the main thing that changed was simple. Easy. I realized something about myself, about my history and about my future. I just accepted the fact that although I was imperfect and flawed and had made mistakes – I was worth it. Now I think I can almost see myself exuding a quiet confidence. Good things are coming, other good things are already here, and every singe day, I learn something, or find another reason to smile – even if it’s just for the sake of smiling and being happy. The upside to this is that since it is so far removed from what people have come to expect from me, my mischievous grins constant appearance makes them wonder what I’m up to. And it’s good to have that effect on people who have known me for so long – especially my co-workers. It’s funny, about six months ago, my friend at work, Kirk, told me something that I was hesitant to believe. He told me I would get to a place where I realized I deserved happiness, and in order to have it – in order to have everything I wanted in the palm of my hand, all I had to do was ask for it. He said to stand outside one night, in as much quiet and darkness as you can find and raise your arms up to the sky and say “universe…I want to be happy…I deserve to be happy, and I’m ready”. Let me just say – the universe has not disappointed. And it’s not just happiness based on one thing, it’s happiness in general. I can’t tell you how many comments have been left on my facebook about how often I’m smiling, or how good it is to see me genuinely happy for once – that it’s such a change from what people are accustomed to. It seemed strange at first. I never really thought of myself as unhappy. Introverted and Introspective, maybe. And I guess the thoughts that were always swimming around in my head were read on my face a lot. But I can’t imagine or recall the last time I felt something like this. This deep-seeded, overwhelming sense of joy in everything. I’m looking at the world with new eyes, I feel fulfilled in myself – and because of that (I really think this is the core) good things are happening to me. Had I not arrived at this place, I dunno if I ever would have met Spike, for example. My headspace wasn’t in it for a really long time, and it was safer and easier to just not think about things like that. But something made me write to her that night, and no matter where this is going, or isn’t going, what it is, or what it isn’t…I’m absolutely glad that I did. That night feels like an eternity ago. Kind of weird, that.

Speaking of Spike, our fourth date was last night and it was as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined. After work, since I had time to kill, I went shopping (which I typically despise but has apparently become my new favorite pastime) and then went to the arcade at the bowling alley that I used to frequent all the time. I got the 2nd highest score for the hunting game I’m addicted to, except the damn gun malfunctioned partially through. Also kicked ass on the driving game. Called and spoke to D’s mother for a minute – I had sent flowers (belatedly) for the memorial, and she just wanted to thank me. After that, I got in the car and headed over to Palm Harbor, my new mixed CD blaring in my car and the hint of rain, without the lingering damp. She made me pasta, which was good, and apparently it was kinda a big deal, cause the girl doesn’t cook. And we talked, ate, laughed…then put in Interview with a Vampire and enjoyed a good, classic movie. I met her roommate, who seems nice, but I’ll be damned if I can remember her name because I was a little distracted at the time. Names that do not strike my interest have never been my strong point anyway. We had another conversation about OD and the community here, in which I reiterated that it was not fair that she has potential access to a lot of my thoughts, and I don’t. I’m not sure we came up with a solution to remedy that, but I guess we’ll work on it. To me, and I’m still not sure why I let her have the capacity to see into this place, whether or not she chooses to use it at any given time…it felt right. And I’m not afraid, ashamed or bothered by it. It’s like giving someone a window into your soul, in a way…and I guess I’m just ready for that. She jokingly said she’d just start writing me letters. That would be fun. I like her apartment. I was trying to sense it, get a feel for it, and despite it being a new place for me, it felt comfortable. Moderately safe. And for a Thursday night, I really don’t think anything felt better than just curling up together on the couch, holding hands, randomly kissing and holding her. After the movie ended, I hung out for a little while then started to make my way home a little after 11. And the whole ride home, I sang at the top of my lungs, danced around in the car and just simply couldn’t stop smiling. Score, btw is 1-1: at the beginning of the night I told her that “irregardless” wasn’t a word, and it was my newest verbal pet-peeve. she disagreed. So it was a mad dash to Google it, to see who could find it first. I was right. Later on, I said that “the Little Mermaid” was the last hand-drawn Disney cartoon, and I missed them. She said it was “the Princess and the Frog” so it was back to Google. She was right. Somehow, in that deal, she ended up winning an hour-long foot massage from me on Sunday. I’m not sure how that worked exactly, except I asked what she wanted if she was right, and after the single most evil grin I’ve ever seen cross her face, that’s what she came up with. Done. I can do that. We talked briefly about micro expressions, and the class I’m signed up for taking online presented by Eckman (the guy who the series Lie To Me) is based off of and there were a few times I caught little hints of things on her face, but she wouldn’t tell me what she was thinking. I don’t think she plays fair, seriously. We’ll see. Sunday will bring date 5, at 10:30 in the morning for a movie marathon day at my house. And while I still have a little bit of trouble imagining her there, actually there IN my house, meeting the cats and my perverted bearded dragon, I can’t wait to see what it’s like for it to be real. Honestly, what I would like more than anything at this moment is to just crawl into bed and sleep until Sunday.

In interesting, random news, I heard from Voldemort the 1st this morning at about 7:15, which is not only rare, but practically unheard of. Voldemort the 1st incarnation is otherwise known as K, or the crazy neighbor bitch I briefly “dated” while on hiatus with the ex in 2009. While we didn’t talk for a whole year after the fallout of that disaster, after the ex broke it off, we regained very limited, strange contact. I haven’t heard from her in awhile…since the last time I mentioned it here, I think. Maybe the beginning of January? Anyways…she texted me while I was on my way to work to tell me that I looked cute with glasses. Which sorta creeped me out, because I haven’t seen her…but she has seen me. In a strange twist of coincidence, as I was driving to work and about to get on the interstate this morning, she was driving home from work (she works at one of the hospitals about 2 blocks away from where we lived) in the opposite direction. I was completely oblivious to it because I’m pretty sure I was grinning like some kind of idiot and car dancing. Strange. Very strange. It was an interesting addition to my morning. Whatever. I hear from her about once every 2-3 months and I’m okay with that. That’s a safe distance, for me.

I think I’m going to take myself to see “Sanctum” tonight on Imax. It’s a James Cameron film, so I imagine the imagery will be brilliant. I’d go solely for that reason alone, I think. And tomorrow, I think I’m meeting up with the scoobies on Treasure Island for the beach – although, I have to say if it’s as cold tomorrow as it is so far today, that will not be happening. I will hermit myself in my house under a blanket, on the couch with something to watch (oooh, or maybe a day long Heroes computer game challenge….and be a COMPLETE dork) and clean intermittently. I want to do something, cause I know me, and staying home all day will make me antsy, and for the first time I can remember, I actually kind of want Saturday to fly by with a quickness. I should be shot for wishing away half of my weekend, but I can’t help it. I blame the twitterpation. And yes…I’ll admit it. I’m twitterpated.