and The Perfect Mum Guilt Trip

BLEUGH! I’m full of cold. Now I’m not one to moan about something as silly and insignificant as a cold. Can’t stand moaners. And it’s not flu. But……I’m really bunged up, my sinuses hurt, I’m achy and snotty and sniffly and I need LOTS AND LOTS of sympathy! NOW! 

There. Now that’s out the way, I can write my entry.

My weekend was FAB! Drinks with the girls on Friday was so much fun! After drinking copious amounts of white wine, I managed to walk into a bush when leaving my friend Sarah’s house and got into Deidre’s car wearing bits of foliage. Ooops.  Aysha and Saif came over on Saturday night but after such a late and boozy night on Friday I wasn’t at full throttle on the drinking front-still had a fun night though and they didn’t leave til 1.30am!!

Other than drinking , we had a lovely family weekend. We took William to soft play not once but twice which he loved, we also went out for a family lunch at Noodlebar (William adores prawn crackers), and I baked cookies.  Mmmmmm.

Other news in a nutshell.

William’s sleep has taken a nosedive. Regular readers will know that my son is NOT a great sleeper. He’s been through every phase imaginable: screaming at bedtime, waking multiple times throughout the night, catnapping, ridiculously early morning waking……the list goes on. On the other hands, we’ve also had wonderful phases whereas he’s slept from 7pm til 7.30am…….*mists over at wonderful memory*

Since he was ill nearly 2 months ago he’s got into the irritating habit of waking for milk in the night at least once. I can’t work out if he actually needs it or if it’s purely habitual. He eats so much solid food, I suspect the latter. But recently he got really good at settling himself without crying so I don’t want him to start using the milk as a prop to get back to sleep. He’s drinking waaaaaaaay more formula milk in 24 hours than he should, I’m sure.Think I’ll see what happens over Christmas and re-assess the situation in the New Year-not too worried about it at the mo.

The last couple of nights he’s been waking up suddenly throughout the night and REALLY crying, which is unusual. Sometimes he’ll settle himself within a couple of minutes……other times milk will settle him….but last night, nothing worked and he cried for 2 long, painful hours. Needless to say I was in there with him, soothing, holding him, but it was traumatic…..he was hysterical. The longer it carried on, the more tired he became. Ugh.

Question: why can’t I have a toddler who likes sleep?! Every night when we start the bedtime routine, he starts crying and tries to escape the nursery because he doesn’t want to go to bed-even when he’s so tired he can barely stand up! I sometimes wonder if I’ve encouraged bad habits, but I’ve always done what instinctively feels right. I can’t, and won’t, do CIO or sleep training- no offence to anyone that does it, but it’s just not for me.

Anyway. Enough about sleep. You know what else does my head in? Guilt! I’m always feeling guilty about SOMETHING. And usually it’s stupid little things. Examples:

1) I feel guilty if I veg on the sofa and watch America’s Next Model instead of playing with William. In fact any TV.

2) I feel guilty if by the end of the day, I’m so tired I can only really manage periodic ‘good boy!’s during dinner.

3) I feel guilty if I get really exasparated with him because he twists and fights me when I’m trying to change his pooey nappy.

4) I feel guilty if I put the TV on for him to watch for more than 20 mins.

5) I feel guilty that we can’t afford to go to music classes, or proper swimming classes, etc.

6) I feel really guilty if I dream of having a day off being mummy.

And so on. The list is massive. And you know what? I know I’m a good mum. I play with him, read with him, take him to soft play, the library, the park, playdates; I feed him freshly made food with oodles of fruit and veg, I love him so much I practically suffocate him with cuddles and kisses every day and I’ve given up a job I love to be at home with him.

So why the guilt? Am I striving to be a perfect mum? Does such a thing exist? I feel such massive responsibility that I’m shaping a little human being. You hear all these reports: 90% or whatever of a baby’s brain is formed by blah de blah. And I always feel like I should be doing more to be the perfect mum. To make him the best human being he could be.

I think I need to stop with this guilt trip.  Are there any mums out there who don’t feel guilty about something?!

Uuugh, I’m tired. 5 days til my holiday! Woop de wooooooo.

lots of love

Clare xxxx

PS I am genuinely not thinking about TTC this month. It pops into my head every now and again and I think:oh yeah! But I’m far more excited about my holiday……

PPS Ok, this is freaky….I wrote an entry EXACTLY a year ago today on excatly the same topics-sleep and being the perfect mother!!! Spooky….here it is: http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D578488&entry=10124&mode=