::dances::

Ali and I FINALLY managed to hang out today and eat enough calories to sustain us for about three days. I think I made her cry, though. She has (had — still has) a crush on me. How much does knowing things we didn’t previously know, change things? I did this with BJ. Back and forth, teh crushes on each other. And no resolution. Well, he went to go be a priest, how’s that for resolution? Dammit, I could still fuck that boy. Ah, I digress. Off topic, per the norm. How does this change things? I don’t know. I don’t want anymore to fuck her (does it matter at one point that I might have, if only in my mind?) This is why the crush faded, because in my head, I can imagine anything, I can find the beauty in anything and want to make it mine, but in reality, we have tickle fights on our beds and that’s as much as I let her touch me. Is it worth it to define my sexuality as asexual if I had those feelings? If I don’t wish to fuck her anymore, does it matter that for a time I did? If I never masturbate, what the bloody fuck does that mean? If my own damn fantasies don’t make me excited, than clearly sex isn’t my thing. How did I bloody get off bloody fucking topic again?

Ali. Has. A. Crush. On. Me.

Which, you know, changes everything and nothing all at the same time.