still k-i-s-s-i-n-g

i’m so glad to see my old favorites are still writing! with pangs of guilt over my long absences, its been so bittersweetly delicious to catch up on your diaries. i use to write a lot in here about wonderboy, the exboyfriend that was such a huge part of my life. but now he’s such a huge part of my past. i really don’t know that person anymore. haven’t talked to him in almost 2 years. he still appears from time to time as some odd character in a dream that doesn’t make sense. and part of me still wishes he would come back and post in his diary or comment on mine. but life has moved on and i guess it’s hard to keep this diary from not being a part of my past too.

turns out i’m a boring wife these days. i spend my free time perusing crafts and recipes on pinterest. thankfully no, i don’t know how to knit. but i have made some tricky meals from scratch and was damn proud of myself. life between mylove and i is peaceful and happy for the time being. but as the dust from the wedding has settled, i feel both of us trying to anticipate what our next move will be. the products of suburbia ourselves, we strive for the typical upper middle class life of white picket fences. but as we try to decide now exactly what that life will look like and how we can actually obtain it, the obstacles that all newlyweds face have come our way.

first of all is mylove’s career. we moved 2 states away from family and home when he was offered a job after graduation. ironically, i was the one who ended up in a job that isn’t exactly rewarding, but includes my own office, work that’s easy, and a boss that i love. (she drives a hybrid with an obama sticker on it. big, very much appreciated change for me.) i leave at 5, my feet don’t hurt, and i don’t come home without any hope for humanity. they’re even sending me, little miss liberal arts, to a software conference in miami because i guess they really like how i’ve picked up on things. mylove, however, isn’t fairing so well. its not necessarily the work he does, he still loves his field, but the people and the company are turning out to leave much to be desired. in this economy though, you don’t just throw away a stable job that pays the bills. he’s cashed in on a few professional contacts and put some feelers out there. it’s just frustrating for both of us to be back at this again. we graduated at the worst time to find a job since the depression. and we’re so lucky to have found jobs after so many no’s. but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be happy at what we’re doing. we’re not asking for 6 figure salaries. we’re just ready to be settled already.

one of the biggest reasons we’re ready to be settled is because first comes love: check. then comes marriage: check. we’re both pretty much ready emotionally for the baby in the baby carriage. considering how much daycare costs these days, it would be nice if we at least felt a little bit ready financially for a baby.

there’s another setback on the baby front. on a day off from work, i was home shamelessly watching a reality tv show that follows used-to-be celebrities. one of them had this huge baby shower that rivaled a wedding reception. the part of me i’m proud of was simply thinking how ridiculous the whole thing was. but another part of me made all of me start crying because i thought if i get pregnant where we live now, so far away from most of our family and friends, no one would come to my baby shower.

not one of my best moments, i know. but when i told mylove, he understood. he doesn’t really like the people he works with, and i’m a few decades younger than most of my coworkers, so aside from the rare double dinner date, we haven’t been very social here. we’d been so self-involved with the wedding, that that had been ok and had worked just fine for us. but now that we stop and think about what’s next, it doesn’t feel right. i’m honestly a little scared at the prospect of the 2 of us having a child with both of our parents so far away. i want to be able to call my mom when i’m at my wit’s end and have her swoop in and save the day. her mom did it for her. it’s just something moms do for their daughters. and i think mylove is getting a little homesick. the guys he works with are mostly assholes. he misses his friends and he’s always been close to his family.

so the big things on our plate right now are figuring out where we’ll end up if mylove changes jobs, and if that where happens to be close enough to the where that’s comfortable enough for us to take the next leap.