what i did to wonderboy

usher confessed. now it’s my turn. luckily, he’s made it very clear that he has moved on and is happy with his life. part of me wants him to read this for my own selfish closure. but most of me is hopeful he doesn’t. it doesn’t matter anymore.

i started dating wonderboy in 8th grade. yes. 8th grade. we dated all through highschool and our first 2 years of college at home. then we transferred to the big leagues and things got ugly.

let’s start in july/august of 2005.
i used to always use the big move and his distance as my excuse for things falling apart. but if i’m honest with myself, it happened sooner. that summer wonderboy and i had a conversation about getting married. we had already been dating 6-7 years, and financially it just made sense. so we made the decision that we would get married the next summer. we sat there talking about it and i started crying. i told him it was because i was so relieved, excited, and nervous to take such a big step. but i know now it was because i saw my life panning out before me, and i didn’t like it. that’s when collateral damage came in to play. we’ll call him cd for short.
the beginning of a destructive pattern that would last a couple of years, i did the "i’m scared of my future so instead of working on things, lets go out and get drunk and act stupid" move. i went over to cd’s house, got in the hot tub with him, and got drunk. yes, i was the drunk one and cd was the semi-sober one. so you would think it was, he took advantage of me. but really, knowing where he was in his life, it was definitely, i took advantage of him. we didn’t go very far. but i was the start of things to come. and i was classy about it. so drunk cd had to lift me out of the hot tub and i couldn’t drive home and had to crash there.

skip forward to october of 2005.
you were distant and i was having a hard time adjusting. you left me alone for fall break. i was tired of feeling sorry for myself, so i made the most of my time. friday night i drove to clemson and went to a halloween party there. nothing major happened, but i flirted with every guy there and definitely didn’t act like someone’s girlfriend. then saturday i woke up hung over and drove to ga tech to go to cd’s halloween frat party. as a side note, i love tech parties. guys everywhere and they make you feel ridiculously hot. the thigh-highs and garter belt helped. i met niceguy that night, but we just hung out at the party. i was drunk and not in control. cd took me back to his place and i took something from him that his exgirlfriend never did. he was shaking the whole time. even drunk, i felt sorry for him for what i had done to him. and he didn’t even pay for my breakfast the next morning.

first week of november 2005.
niceguy and i talked over aim all week. you were back in town, but never around. he knew exactly what to say to me. i couldn’t wait to see him. he took me to a party that weekend. it was so nice to be taken somewhere. to interact with people. and he held my hand when we walked in together. i’m a girlfriend. this felt right. he knew exactly what to whisper in my ear, how to touch me, when to breath on my neck. we were quickly in someone’s bedroom. i tried to go there, but he stopped me. i loved what we did though. and all he said was, "god you’re beautiful." i had a new drug.

end of november 2005.
it was a month before niceguy and i had sex. in the mean time, he took me out, i met knew people, and i didn’t feel alone or crazy anymore. i hid from all of my demons in niceguy’s arms. i tired to tell you that things were terribly wrong. you thought it was nice that i made new friends and kept doing your own thing.

winter break 2005.
i tried my damdest to break up with you. you punched the wall and cried. i was too weak to stand up for myself. and you were wonderboy, afterall. i told niceguy we had to end it. but then i saw him when i got back and fell right back into it with him. started carrying my toothbrush and a change of clothes on me.

early spring 2005.
i was having a full on affair and you had to have known, but i think you kept yourself blind. too painful to see. i would go over there after class and sleep with niceguy. then go to wonderboy’s house after work and sleep with him. i was always in one bed or the other. never in my own. some mornings i would wake up and have to strain my eyes to focus on the man next to me so i would remember who i was with this time. sometimes i think you were trying. you called me one morning to let me know you were coming over to surprise me with donuts. i was at niceguy’s and had just taken a shower with him and his damned ax body wash. i had to lie and tell you i was out running some errands. i smeared scented lotion all over myself on the drive back to my apt to meet you. i was the only thing i could find in my car to hide the smell of niceguy on me. it was a terrible lie. but you looked the other way.

late spring 2006.
i thought i was finally breaking up with you. i left you sobbing on the shower floor. but i wasn’t strong enough to go home alone. i went to niceguy’s and fell asleep in his arms. not because i loved him. but because i couldn’t cry in front of him about wonderboy. and if i didn’t let myself cry, i could get some sleep.

may 2006.
got drunk at a wedding and told niceguy i loved him. he thought i meant it. all i thought about was what if you knew.

summer 2006.
niceguy moved back home and wonderboy and i tried to get our shit together. you (wonderboy) basically moved in with me. we didn’t know it at the time, but we were already broken beyond repair. you couldn’t just tie me to the bed. so you let me go to a party with niceguy. you were comforted by the fact that you’d be in my bed when i got home. niceguy gave me the kiss of a lifetime that night. (see previous entry). he asked to come in when he drove me home. the only reason i said no was because you were inside.

jump to november 2006.
even though i was dating niceguy, i made you break up with bigface. you were single, but i wasn’t ready to give up the attention niceguy was giving me. i made you wait until may 2007 before i finally broke things off with niceguy. and you waited the whole time. granted, we had some fucked up fights where the cops got called a long the way, but still you thought this whole time that you were waiting for me and it would all get better.

jump again to june 2007.
i had broken up with niceguy and you were so happy. mylove called because his girlfriend had broken up with him. i was so happy to have contact with the outside world. i thought breaking up with niceguy would end all of that. i gave mylove a shoulder to cry on, then something more. i had stopped seeing niceguy, now i had a new secret.

i didn’t see mylove that summer even though we had had sex. you had done something else to me. and we had to get over that. but even though the worst had happened, you sucked at being there for me. once again, i found someone who knew exactly how to take care of me when you didn’t.

august 2007.
i told mylove the secret. he was there for me. when i hated myself, he told me tostop. he had all the right advice. and his brown skin against mine looked amazing. mylove and i started seeing each other just for fun. he was knewly single and i didn’t want to tie him down. besides, you thought we were finally going to make it. i couldn’t tell you i was doing it to you all over again with a new guy.

florida weekend, october 2007.
wonderboy didn’t have a clue about mylove. we had all gone out and to games multiple times. you didn’t know he was paying for my meals and feeling me up when you turned your back. so you didn’t make anything of it when i invited him to florida with my other friends. you also didn’t make anything of it when he, my girlfriend, and i disappeared from the hotel room for a few hours. you were tired and didn’t feel like drinking. so the three of us made out and i blew him while they kissed. it was so hot. i slept in your bed that night. mylove slept on the floor.
you hung all over me that weekend, figuratively and self-conciously hanging on to what was left of our relationship.

halloween 2007
you didn’t know mylove "broke up" with me that sunday after we got back from florida. said we had to stop the "with benefits" part of our friendship because he was starting to have feelings. i respected his decision. and what i could never do before – take the plunge and break it off with you when i was seeing niceguy – i did 3 days later with mylove. i picked him over you. told you it was just a break. made love to mylove that night. i was so happy to tell him i had picked him over you, wonderboy. you tried to make me look back after that, but i never really did.

and there were several times over the next few months, that mylove would forbid me from seeing you. (something i think niceguy was too nice to every do.) thank god mylove did though. for my and your sanity.