kisses, lightbulbs, and metaphores

so i had a dream about niceguy last night that was a blast from the past and left me all mixed up with sentimental demons this morning. why is it so important for me to hold on to my past? why do i miss it so much?

even though i haven’t spoken to him in 3 years…. wow. has it really been 3 years already?…. in my dream we were hanging out in a group of people. and for some reason, the temp from work who annoys me was also there. we’ll call her squeaky. she’s single right now and her dating escapades are sometimes a topic of converstaion at work. and lord knows niceguy is single. somehow, the two of them met during the hang out and were all flirty and close together. on the verge of hooking up. and it bothered me. it really bothered me. like that pit-of-your-stomach-blugh-that-you-want-to-stop-right-of-way bothered me.

which way do i take this? the clean and easy way is that squeaky annoys me, she’s not a good person, and i don’t like her. niceguy never hurt me and i don’t want him to end up with someone like her. he doesn’t deserve it. then there’s the blugh part. was i jealous in my dream? did it bother me because i wanted to be all flirty and close with him? before you dismiss it as protectiveness, listen to the next part. somehow i diverted squeaky’s attention. and in the choppy timeline of events that i can remember now that i’m awake, the next thing i recollect is cuddling and making out with him. and it felt so good. not so great in bed, but niceguy was always an amazing cuddler and make the room spin kisser. (hence, the nickname.)  in the dream i felt like i was right back where i was supposed to be. it was exciting. and it felt right.

side anecdotal story:
i’m 26 years old, kissed a little more than a handful of guys, and niceguy will forever hold the best kiss i’ve ever had record. i was trying to make things work with wonderboy when i went to a party with niceguy. (god, i was dumb.) we were flirty as usual because there was always physical chemistry between us. but i was trying to be a good girl. (really i was being a cold-hearted bitch and leading him on. but i digress.) anyway, at one point, we were a little drunkenly running across a parking lot following a group of people over to the apartment pool when he did it. he grabbed my arm, spun me around, and pulled me in to him. he wrapped his arms around me and planted one. immediately my knees went weak, i sunk into all strong and safe 6 feet 5 inches of him, and just like in the movies, the earth started spinning. that was it. in that moment, nothing mattered. every fairytale ending. every song about your walls coming down. every little girl’s dream. that was it. he left me dazed. when he finally stepped back and let go, i had to hold on to him to get my barings. at some point, my brain starting finally kicked back in and told my lungs to start breathing and my heart to start beating agian. sure i’ll have our first kiss at our wedding, and the first time i kiss my newborn child. but that was it. he will forever hold that record.

so back to the dream. niceguy and i were doing our thing and i remember it feeling really good and that kinda disturbed me when i woke up this morning. i was like, hey self, cut it out. you’re happy. stop trying to stir up drama. then i remembered the rest of the weird dream.

while being all lovey-dovey, hot-in-heavy, getting my groove on with niceguy, i started to get all upset. we were kissing and my brain started yelling at me to stop. apparently, i was engaged to wonderboy and making out with niceguy was messing everything up. and then i started to question why in the hell was i going to marry wonderboy. had i forgotten everything we went through and how terrible we were together? how could i have been so dumb as to say i would marry him when he had no future? so i’m sitting there making out with poor niceguy feeling like i hadn’t been myself and how could i have said yes to wonderboy. i needed to break off the wedding. it would be a terrible mistake. thank goodness i was making out with niceguy, or i would have never realized it.

that’s when i woke up. it had all become a bad dream about accidently getting engaged to wonderboy. and niceguy had saved me. when i realized that i had been dreaming, and that i wasn’t engaged to wonderboy, i was engaged to mylove, everything made since again. and i was so glad to be engaged to mylove because he’s awesome.

and now the lightbulb has come on. my dream was all packaged up in a nice little metaphor. niceguy was the distraction in my life that made me realize wonderboy and i weren’t right for eachother. niceguy got me to stop trying to force it with wonderboy, and open my eyes to what else was out there. and that’s when i saw mylove 🙂

collateral damage. i guess niceguys do always finish last.