stupid voice

maybe it’s a natural reaction of me wanting to play the victim, but someone put this really crappy thought in my head.

last summer i caught wonderboy in several lies of where he’d gone to see his ex girlfriend. but, and probably within reason, he rationalized it away that i was always so paranoid that he would just lie to make things easier. cause when he did tell me that they were just innocently hanging out or talking on the phone, i would flip my shit. i can be alittle crazy at times so i also boiled it down to just hanging out. i mean, i couldn’t forbid him from seeing her again, could i?

a freaking year later and this little voice has popped up in my head. what if there was some logic behind my controlling behavior? what if jealousy was intuition?

rational me – no. no. they were just hanging out. he did need to get out from time to time and she was one of his only friends in town for the summer. he and i were doing really good. for the most part.

voice – but you wouldn’t have sex with him for over a month because of something personal going on.

rational me – but he understood that and was being caring and understaning. he was taking care of me.

voice – but he is a guy. and she didn’t even know you two were together so she wasn’t aware of any boundary there.

rational me – but he would always bad mouth her around me. tell me how annoying she could be. how nuts she was to show up at his house on valentine’s day and blame him for her being alone.

voice – if they really did break up the fall before that, and he hadn’t continued anything on with her, then why all the complaining? was she really that crazy on valentine’s day? why would he lie when they hung out that summer? why would they hang out randomly and he keep it a secret?

rational me – …………

i made the choice myself to back away from him for alittle while. but i had not yet defined what "alittle while" was. when i talked to… damn i need a nickname for him… about how i was feeling last diary entry, this very patient and understanding man became very stern with me. against most of his advice, i had been doing things my way for about seven months. and there was progress, but it was extremely slow with tons of set backs. his point was that we’re together now and things are serious. but we’re stuck in this rut too if i can’t move forward. it’s not fair to him. i shouldn’t be that affected by wonderboy anymore. he said that no one else should be able to make me cry. which i have. several times out of frustration for not being able to get past my past.

so he claims he’s been patient enough. it’s time to do things his way. and i owe him that. it’s time to put wonderboy out of my life for his definition of "awhile". i struggle with this, but i don’t feel like he says that like he’s forbidding me from seeing him. i see the merit in what he’s asking. and he’s not saying it because he’s jealous. he’s saying it because he loves me and really wants to give us a real chance to see where we can go.

it will be wierd to change my life so drastically (but no that drastically because i only see him a few times a month now). but i guess i owe it to myself too.