crystal ball

still missing him terribly but doing much better. in a fog today. since the semester ended last friday life has been going at kind of a whirlwind pace. uga graduation, dog park, and indiana jones marathon on saturday. drove back home for mother’s day sunday. drove back monday, worked, went out to dinner with friends, then hills finale with other friends. then i stayed up ridiculously late talking to him on the phone (like 430 in the morning). only 1030pm for him so not so bad but i had to be up early-ish to meet a friend and go shopping today.

i miss him but it feels good to be keeping busy. i’ve been constantly planning little things to look forward to that make the time go by faster.

i’m not high maintenance materialistically, but i’ve always needed a lot of attention (partially comes from being the youngest). he treats me like i’ve never been treated before. what boy texts you when he wakes up in the morning to tell you good morning, he loves you, what he’s doing that day, and when he’ll call? he just knows how to fill in all of the gaps and take care of me – even from over 4,000 miles away. i have a present coming in the mail later this week too 

the absolute crumbling crash and burn of my last five year plan has completely changed how i look at life. before, i felt like having a plan and sticking to it was the only way to be successful, to stay on track. but i realized that i needed to broaden my sense of what it means to be happy in life. it doesn’t always necessarily mean working towards some huge goal. sometimes it means just being happy. in self-defense, my mind has built this wall up, preventing me to think past about six months from now at any given point. the girl who hated change and got completely thrown off whenever someone didn’t stick to the plan now has no plan. it feels good to play it by ear.

but this boy is consistent in his unboy like behavior in another way as well. he likes to talk about not his future, but our future. that requires a huge change of gears for me. not only does that involve planning and longterm commitments that i had stopped seeing for myself, but it also involves taking the only person that i’ve ever been able to see myself spending the rest of my life with out of the picture.

don’t get me wrong. wonderboy and i are doing leaps and bounds better now than we ever have in the past not being together. i think we’re learning how to be friends. it’s even alittle hard for me to think about, but i don’t feel the same way around him that i use to. if we were sitting in the same room together before, it would feel weird not being in close physical contact with him. but now my body doesn’t feel off not being physical with him. that reaction has been transferred to someone else. i don’t know how well this sentence fits here but – I’ve always felt that it was important to listen to you body.

anyway. when he does talk in terms of our future he is very patient and very understanding. he knows what it’s like, the process involved, with getting over that one relationship that defined you for so long. he also knows that my head wasn’t looking for something like this when we started. so he doesn’t push and he listens when i talk about how i feel.

i finally do my student teaching next semester, which i think i’m going to start referring to as teacher-in-training boot camp. and he starts grad school. so it’s going to be a really tough semester – our most challenging yet. but i’m not worried about it pulling us apart. i feel like it is just an opportunity to make us stronger, taking care of each other and leaning on each other. either way, i think it will be a pivotal point for us and whatever future we could have together.