Goodbye Torchwood

WARNING: the following rant is about the TV series Torchwood. As such, it contains spoilers for series 1, the first episode of series 2, Dr Who (through to and including Voyage Of The Damned) and a couple of episodes of Life On Mars (though those bits might be only slightly spoileriffic). If you do not wish to be spoiled for these programmes, look away now. Seriously, go for it. There’s a lot of good writers on this site. Or even read the entry before this one. It has the nominations for worst film of the year. So, it should help you decide what to avoid when you next go to Blockbuster.

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So, last week saw the first episode of the second series of Torchwood. Not having a TV anymore, I got it on Thursday from the BBC iPlayer. And I won’t be bothering anymore.

I’ve decided it’s not worth the heartbreak.

Torchwood is infuriatingly inconsistant. In the first series, it had fantastic episodes. The first episode was brilliant, as is typical for a Russell T Davies series opener. Seriously, the guy can’t not write a decent opening episode.

Shame he then decided to hand the show over to Chris Chibnall.

See, everyone assumes that because RTD is in charge of Dr Who, and because Torchwood is a spin off from Dr Who, that RTD is also in charge of that. He’s not. Chibnall is. And he can’t write sci-fi.

He is a good writer. The two episodes of Life On Mars he wrote (one for series one, one for series two, both about ploice corruption) are amongst my favourite episodes of that show. And they have very little to do with the time travel part of the show.

But this is also the guy who worte 42. The real time episode of Dr Who that, erm, wasn’t in real time. Seriously. When your big countdown clock shows 10 minutes laft, there are 15 minutes laft in the episode and they manage to stop it just before the end of the episode, that’s not real time. When you have a scene, and the next scene is something that happened elsewhere at the same time, that IS NOT real time.

He also wrote four episodes of Torchwood series one. Day One (which wasn’t too bad, even if it was a rip off of the second episode of Angel), End Of Days (ditto, minus the Angel bit), Cyberwoman and Countrycide.

The two most derided episodes of the show in series one. Where not only were the stories bad, but the camerawork was so shoddy that if I had handed those epiodes in as a college assignment, I would have got a severe bollocking. And let’s not forget the fact that Cyberwoman completely ignored established events and continuity.

The poor continuity faries must be down the pub, getting drunk and asking “Torchwood. Why hast thou forsaken us?” Dr Who loves it’s continuity. Even if it is something as simple as London being deserted in Voyage Of The Damned because everyone is scared of another alien attack.

But Torchwood seems to think that it is above continuity. At the end of End Of Days, it is implied that the TARDIS came into the Hub and picked up Captain Jack. Yet in Utopia, the captain is seen chasing after the TARDIS. Yes, it’s possible that Jack heard the engines and took off, but have you seen what it takes to get into and out of the Hub?

Then, at the end of The Last Of The Timelords, The Doctor drops Jack off directly above the Hub. At the begining of Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang Jack discovers the team after having somehow tracked them down while working on a case. (And remember, The Doctor had disabled Jacks wrist computer thingy.)

While we’re at it. In Jacks absense, Gwen took over the running of Torchwood. Really, Mr Chibnall? Gwen? You sure that the rest of the team would follow the person with least seniority? Not, say, Ianto (give him something to do instead of, well, what exactly is it that he does there?).

Torchwood is supposed to be a top secret organisation. Yet the police all know them (apart from, rather conveniently, Gwen’s boyfriend), they drive around in a great big fuck off 4×4 with lights in the windscreen and their name plastered all over it. And then Jack turns up somewhere in a bright red convertable. Admittedly, I’ve never been to Cardiff, but I somehow doubt that red convertables are most peoples car of choice there.

And while we’re on the subject. The people of Cardiff are portrayed as being oblivious to aliens. Yet a being with a goldfish head is seen driving said convertable and no-one asks questions? Maybe it is more normal there than I first thought.

Then we have the episodes big guest name star. James Marsters. I’m wondering. Did they cast him because the role was a virtual carbon copy of Spike? Or did they make the character the way he was because they cast Marsters? Cos the problem with that is you immediately invite comparisons with the original. And there’s no way Torchwood ever wins that argument.

So, I’m done with the series. Bad sci-fi is one thing. But when you know that a show can be good, when it’s proven how amazing it can be (Everythign Changes, the aforementioned opening episode, Small Worlds and They Keep Killing Suzie which are incredibly dark, Captain Jack Harkness which is one of the best time travel episodes of any show ever with an amazingly heartbreaking ending) and yet it seems to be, most of the time, good at best (Out Of Time good idea bad execution, Combat where all I was waiting for was Tyler Durden to say “The first rule of alien fight club is you don’t talk about alien fight club”, the aforementioned Chibnall episodes) it breaks my heart.

Some will say that the show is cheesy or camp. Sorry, but it’s supposed to be the serious one from the Dr Who universe. And adult, which they seem to equate with loads of swearing n shagging. Cos a serious, dark, adult sci-fi and fantasy show would never work. Except Angel. And Battlestar Galactica. Oh, and The X-Files for a lot of it’s run. And Ultraviolet. Can’t forget Qatermass and Blakes Seven. And possibly The Twilight Zone. Apart from them it’ll never work, so why even try? (Never mind that one of the best episodes of series one was incredibly dark.)

I’ll watch the two episodes with Martha in them, cos she rocks and it’ll make up for not having her in the whole of the next series of Dr Who. (And if someone could let me know when they air, I’d appreciate it.) Apart from that? Give me a call when Chibnall has been replaced by someone good.

Will

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