Quick quotes

1. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
2. The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
3. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
4. It’s your god. They’re your rules. *You* go to hell.
5. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
6. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
7. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
8. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
9. If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
10. I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
11. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
12. You can’t be late until you show up.
13. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
14. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
15. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
16. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
17. A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
18. My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
19. Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
20. books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke
21. As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
22. If you don’t pray in my school, I won’t think in your church.
23. Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
24. Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
25. Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
26. You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
27. Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.
28. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
29. life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
30. It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
31. You never learn anything by doing it right.
32. It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
33. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
34. If you’re gonna go, go obnoxiously.
35. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
36. A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
37. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
38. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
39. An American’s a person who isn’t afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
40. Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
41. It is your concern when your neighbor’s wall is on fire.
42. If I love you, what business is it of yours? — Johann van Goethe
43. It’s amazing how nice people are to you when they know you’re going away.
44. Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
45. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
46. In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
47. I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
48. It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
49. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.
50. The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything
51. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
52. I am erotic. You are kinky. They are perverts. We protect. Our allies enforce. Our enemies oppress. Congress appropriates. Microsoft lobbies. Citizens steal.
53. If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
54. Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
55. To appreciate heaven well, it’s good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell
56. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed
57. Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.
58. You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
59. Mark’s Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
60. Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.

Taken from here

Will