sorting it all out

Lastnight Tara had a bad dream. This morning she told me about it. I have had the same exact dream. John was still alive and he was just avoiding us all this time. Tara was 12 almost 13 when he died. Now she is 15 going on 16. Her recollections and memories are sometimes incorrect because of her age at that time. Kid’s can’t process all that pain and hurt emotionally at that very young age without having memories being inaccurate.
She said that maybe we shouldn’t have told anyone that we were looking for dad on that day. She said that maybe he would have wanted to change his mind, but he knew that everyone was looking for him and it was too late to change his mind by then.
I tried to explain to her that John planned this. He sat down with Dale that day and gave him his passwords to all his accounts. He emptied the wallet on the breakfast bar except for his Driver’s License and left with a loaded gun. John knew what he was going to do and so did Dale. Dale hugged him twice and begged him not to leave. I can’t believe he would impose this on our son. He didn’t think about how much this was going to hurt him. Dale called our friends, family and the farmers to help him look for his dad. Tara and I were driving home from a day at the beach in South Haven. We hurried as fast as we could. 
Poor Dale was devastated. He heard about the cops finding John’s body on the police scanner over at a friend’s house. John called Tara to say goodbye. I talked to him. I begged him not to do it. I was crying so hard. I just remember saying "John NO, NO, NO!!" When John hung up on me Tara said "mom you didn’t say I love you" It was the most horrible, horrific, painful thing that I have ever been through.
To think that I survivied cancer and I was fighting to LIVE and he wanted to DIE. He chose to DIE. 
Sometimes I still think WHY WHY WHY??? I wanted to stop him. I would have stopped him. I would give anything to have him back. I loved him with all my heart and soul. It feels like half of my heart is gone. Missing. Void. Broken. Forever.
He will always have my love. He will always be my soulmate. I love him today as much as I did the day I met him. And the day he died. And forever and ever.