June 14, 2010

I am a 42 yr old widow

On May 30, 2010 my life as I knew it ended forever. Our beautiful family is forever changed. Hurting, scarred and in pain.
My husband John committed suicide.
I still can’t even believe he did it.
He was so stressed about being business partners. We were fighting. He moved the camper to the farm and slept there the last two nights. He didn’t take my calls. He was pissed at me.
He loved me…I know he did. I can’t take myself back to that day…over two weeks ago now. Because It will make me crazy.
His service was beautiful. We had over 300 people there. It was a nice service.
He was cremated and his ashes remain on his dresser. We will have him buried and buy a headstone for him.
I will be buried next to him.
My family is hurting. My heart is broken. My kids are sad and angry.
how could he do this??
I know he thought we would be better off without him. He knew we would get a life insurance settlement. He knew we were going to survive.
So here I am, once again, trying to pick up the pieces of my broken life. Trying to move on. Numb with grief and sadness.
The pain escapes me when I am sleeping, but when I wake up, it hits me like a ton of bricks.
How are we going to go on without him? Didn’t he know how much he was loved? Why did he do this?

Conspicuous

June 15, 2010

You know I’ve been following on facebook, and I know that no words I say could bring you the peace and comfort you need. I wish there were a way to just erase all the pain. You have had such a rough couple of years, and I can not imagine how hard it is now. For your husband to die so suddenly brings so much heartache and sadness. For him to commit suicide brings on a whole different spectrum of harsh, deep feelings I imagine. I am so very sorry for your loss. People who kill themselves are desperate. They truly feel there is no other way to fix things, and often believe the world is better off without them. Sadly, it’s almost never true and they end up scarring their families and friends with their choice. You are an incredibly strong woman, Susan. You can do this, even though it seems impossible. There will be days where you won’t want to go on, but you’ll find the strength. I know you will. I hope you have many people helping you out over there. Wish I could do something for you. *big hugs*

AvidReader

I am so sorry for your loss. Deepest sympathies. Love and prayers.

just.jenn

OMG…I’m so very very sorry.

Grammy's Heart

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry. I was wondering how you were since you haven’t noted in a while. I will be praying for peace for you and your children. Suicide is such a selfish act. I don’t know what else to say, but I’m sorry. Please keep updating to let us know how you are. I’m not very good on facebook.

This is a terrible shock. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. This is more than I can absorb right now…. I am just so sorry. I know you have been through a lot and now this… I am so sad.

Oh no, no, no, no, no! Oh my goodness Susan. I don’t even know what to say or do or think. I am so devastated for you. I’m so, so sorry. I just have no words. My best friend’s Dad did the same thing and her family was broken for years. Please seek counseling for your kids. They’re going to need all the help they can get. I am so sorry.

Susan, Hon, I am SO sorry. Are you in a support group at all? I am in one online, & it really helps. It is NOT a cure, & won’t bring them back, but, their notes and comments, sharing THEIR stuff helps somehow. They are all very loving and kind. I will keep praying for you,Dale & Tara. I know that the void, hole, abyss, is deep from (his) loss. I even feel it here. Please feel free to call me. I will be moving on Sat. June 19th, but, til at least the 17th, (when cable gets shut off,) I am at: 952-426-1481. With love N hugz, and compassion & prayers, Lois p.s. I am SO very sorry for you & your family’s loss. I wish I could say something better or more fancy, but, the bottom line is, I understand your loss. (I honestly send you down comforter wrapped hugz.) ~~Lois p.s. I have NOT played on my farms in FB for almost 2 months, and only look @ it or write now and then. I know that one, too sweetheart. Love you, Lois

Oh, Susan, I am in shock! I saw your title and I was confused. I couldn’t imagine that it was true. You had such a perfect life before the cancer. I remember the fun you guys had with the camper! It is very sad how things have turned out. I know it must be horrible for you right now. Please use all your resources to go on for yourself and your beautiful kids. Hugs, Susan. Holding you in my heart.

juslilbitty

im so sorry Susan. I have been quietly reading on Facebook and I want you to know how much I am praying for you and the kids.Theres no words that myself or anyone can say to make your pain and the kids pain go away, and I wish I was there to hug you all and help in any way that I could.stay strong for yourself as well as those beautiful children and pleae take care of yourselves.(((((hugs)))

Susan, is there a reason you took me off your Facebook friends? And you haven’t noted me in a very long time. I know you are going through a lot and you have more urgent things to worry about than my feelings. However, I would like to know if I have done something to you. I thought about you all day. I am so sad for you.

Pearl

June 16, 2010

Oh Susan, there are no words that I can say. Know that you and the family are in our prayers and that strength will be what gets you through a minute, an hour, a day. You will be in my heart, thoughts, and prayers.

ddfroger

I’m so sorry for your loss.

buttersub

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about this 🙁 I wish that there was something I could do to help. My thoughts and prayers are with you all during this difficult time.

June 20, 2010

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and your kids today on Father’s Day. I pray peace for all of you.

I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

Susan, you probably don’t check this anymore but I wanted you to know that I still think of you often. I hope you and the kids are doing okay.

April 19, 2011

Thinking of you {hugs}