12/15/2009

I’ve been busy rearranging and deep cleaning my house since my brother moved out. I’d like to get all the "deep cleaning" (reorganizing cupboards, rearranging furniture, etc.) done before the boys get home. That way, I won’t be so annoyed at all the clutter and I’ll just have to keep up with maintenance cleaning.

Yea.

Last time I talked to Josh, he told me that I won’t be hearing from him often for the next "month or so". And that he’d try to get to an MWR so he can send me an email every once and again. He must be going out on a long mission? Because he has internet in his room, so there would be no other reason that he’d have to use an MWR unless he was out on a mission… or not where he "lives". I don’t know. Either way, this sucks.

I’m already having a much harder time than I have had this entire deployment thus far. I’m having dreams about him. I expect him to walk through the front door any minute. When I’m in the shower I can "feel" him in the bathroom. I would always take a shower while he got ready for work in the mornings. It’s just so weird how all of these feelings are coming now. But at the same time I’m a nervous wreck about his leave in March.

It’s almost as if I’ve had a seperate relationship with my cell phone and computer for the last 5 1/2 months. And my relationship with the physical Josh has just been frozen in time. I have a feeling that when I see him again, all those feelings I had when I found out 5 months ago that he cheated on me will come flooding back. How is it possible to repair something like that when all you can do is have short phone conversations and text on a computer screen?

I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be able to move past this.
Move past feeling as if I’m not attractive enough, not skinny enough, not good enough.
I don’t think I’ll ever not be insecure when it comes to him.
I don’t know how I could ever not question everything he tells me.
I don’t really see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last time we talked, he was telling me that a buddy of his invited us on a Vegas trip.
It didn’t matter that Josh said US… all I was thinking about was how HE went when he had his few days of leave before deploying.
How he chose to go to Vegas instead of come home to try to talk about things face to face.
How that made me feel like he didn’t care, at all.
If he didn’t care then to come home and see me, why would he care now?
And I know that he was thinking he was doing a good thing by emphasizing us going to Vegas, together.
But all the same painful feelings just came rushing back.

When is it time to just quit?
When do you admit that you just can’t move past things?
Cause I don’t know if I’ll be able to…