Too much time….

So N has been off visiting family since Monday night. He is coming home tomorrow. That has left me too much time alone lol.

It has made me realize how much I screw things up. N is a great guy. Yes he has his issues. His ADD can try my very last nerve. He has put up with me being a total bitch but he still loves me.

I figured it out today…well I kinda knew but it hit me today…I am scared. Scared of being hurt. Scared he will leave. Scared I will just screw it all up…and I don’t know what to do about it. I try not to but my irritation just comes out before I can stop it.

Part of it is the weight. I have put on almost 30 pounds since we got together. It isn’t his fault. But it is linked to the fact that he loves food as much as I do. He cooks these great dinners and fixes me a huge plate of food. He cooks stuff I know I shouldn’t eat….but if I say anything, he gets offended. He thinks I am blaming him. I try to explain I am not blaming him but it is a fact that it is part of the problem.

I need to have a talk with him but he gets all riled up and it turns into an argument. He is as defensive as I am.

We went almost a month without having sex. He told me one night it is because he isn’t happy with himself. He has put on quite a bit of weight too and he has never been heavy before. I talked to his mom and diabetes and high blood pressure run in his family and she is worried about him. I told her we were working on it.

Anyway, we finally had sex the other night….I was going crazy. I told him us not having sex makes me feel bad about myself….like I am not what he wants. When he finally gave in…we ran into the same problem….he couldn’t get me off and I couldn’t get myself off…drive him nuts and me too. It’s so not him. I told him the trick is I need to get off first….I can’t do it after he does. I don’t know…I can’t make him understand that sex feels good…regardless if I get off or not. I enjoy it…I need the attention. Sex has always been the one thing I was good at.

Yes I understand that I am one of those girls that can have the tendency to link sex and love. It probably stems from the man who molested me who used to say he wanted to "love me the right way"..meaning sex. I was like 8 or 9 and he could get it hard so that never happened but that phrase sticks in my brain. It is also the reason, along with my body image issues, that I don’t like receiving oral sex. The probably is, N has the same problem so I don’t give him oral sex…and I am one of those weird girls who actually likes giving blow jobs. Again, that is probably because I am a people pleaser and like giving others pleasure more than receiving it myself.

He is always asking what gets me going….he’ll do whatever he needs to. The problem is he has told me things he won’t do…which all happen to be things I love lol. He is not the domineering type and in the bedroom that is what I like…what can I say, I am a freak.

He finally told his parents we are getting married. Things have been crazy….We moved into our apartment in January…his mom just got a job in Vegas so we now have to move to the farm in BFE to take care of it until they can sell the cows in the fall then we are going to move to Vegas. This puts me closer to my mom and all of his family. I think it will be good but it scares me because once again I will be in a new state with no friends of my own….and working from home makes it hard to meet people. The good thing is N likes to go out to places and he can talk to anyone.

So there it is — overall things are good. I love him with all my heart. He does everything he can to make me happy — which is actually what annoys me. I apparently suck at people being nice to me instead of just the other way around.

So now starts the process of I have to quit smoking and lose weight and not destroy our relationship in the process. Let the fun being…