Now I’ve Done It….

wow…I suck. Seriously…I am a horrible person — this is what J has been saying about herself the last few days and apparently it has rubbed off.

So I spent most of the day yesterday working on the apt. I have to get the rest of it done today so getting ready to go into super speed mode…have to get it out today!

So…I was tired of working on the house and wanted a beer. R52 happened to text me about the time I got home and was getting ready to take a shower to go out. We went back and forth – I asked him if he was going out…he said yes…so I asked if he was looking for company (mistake #1)…a few more back and forth moments…then I told him either way I was hopping in the shower and heading up to my local bar (mistake #2)…he asked me what time…I told him and got dressed — he never said if he was going to come up so dressed for him just in case (mistake #3)…sitting there talking to some of the people…putting off having a cigarette in case he shows up…and voila…he appears. I wanted to just run up and jump up and wrap my legs around him but I didn’t lol…

So he says he is going to have one beer…he orders…slowly drinks his…I had finished mine and the bartender put another one up without asking so I drank it…R52 started to leave – I told him to wait a second so I could pay my tab (mistake #4)…he said you will be right back and I told him I would walk him to his car…of course we get out there, he pushes me against the side of the truck and kisses me…then tells me to get in the truck (mistake #5). We make out..he starts the truck and moves it over to a more private part of the parking lot lol…a little fun ensures (mistake #6)…no sex….Then I go back in and make a friend buy me a beer cause I am broke lol.

During this little ordeal which lasted maybe an hour, I had told R52 about K39…I had been talking about K39 earlier to a friend…told them I didn’t know what to do. He is a very sweet guy but I just don’t think the sex is good. My friend says do you really want to marry someone where the sex is bad? good point. R52 was like haven’t I been sweet to you…done all the right things? I was like that is the problem. You are perfect to me…except I don’t know where this is going.

So I texted R52 and asked…"I have a question for you…you don’t have to answer …we always have fun together… not talking about tomorrow but is there a possibility that this could turn into something more … some day?" His response was "who knows"..grrrrr…

So then I told him I was fucked up about all of it and that the angel was fighting the devil…he of course said he likes the devil and I told him the devil was winning.

I came home with the intention of calling K39 and breaking up…but then when I called we were talking and I forgot he has kinda a big exciting thing going on today and I didn’t want to jack him up before that. I may have to wait and do it in person next week…but god I hate doing that because I do nothing but cry.

So seeing R52 again confirmed my feeling that I have to get rid of K39. K is a sweet guy….but come on…all the baggage…and he isn’t allowed to fly — how the hell would I get to go anywhere fun? I am going to break his heart…just trying to find the right angle. I thought I was ready for this but I’m not? I am just not feeling it? I feel horrible because I have totally led him on — not intentionally. I was going to try…hell he is the first guy who said he would marry me in YEARS – hell decades (the ex doesn’t count cause I forced him to)…but as someone said…don’t settle…as much as I want to….I can’t do it.