want healthier bf,std tests,better job?,nightmares

 My boyfriend is a very heavy man for his height. He weighs 344 pounds.His mom has been special ordering his pants and boxers because we have looked everywhere trying to find a place that will clothe his size. We can however get him shirts and socks which I am very grateful for. I told Talan for his health he may need to lose some weight. His Daddy died due to weight related issues in his 40s. I dont want Talan do follow in his daddy’s footsteps. Talan asked me why I would ever date such a heavy man. I told Talan I was going for personality not physical. He asked me if I would cheat on him with a skinnier man. I caught myself irritated at this comment. If I wanted a skinnier man I would have asked a skinnier man out in the first place. I dont want him tiny like my ex Michael I want him healthy again! They said if he doesnt lose the weight soon he might start having problems with his heart. He already has blood pressure issues and I am concerned with his health. I love him every single pound of him but I would love it if he was just a bit healthier.

 I am thinking during my days off or when I am available that I plan to go to the gym with him and exercise. If I go with him I believe he will have better motivation to get healthy. With age I am getting heavier as well. I weigh 175 pounds. I fear with me recently getting on birth control that I will go over 200 pounds.  I dont want to be much heavier and when I talked to Talan about going on diet pills he got upset with me. He said their is healthier ways. I know there is but sometimes the body needs help. He said even if I gained weight he would love me. I explained to him I wouldn’t love myself if I didnt take care of myself better.

 I just got on birth control. Talan took me to the health clinic. When he found out I decided to get my yearly STD test that I normaly get Talan volunteered to get one too. I caught myself respecting him more for his choice. He decided if I loved myself enough to care for myself for him that he intended to do the same. We both got hepatitis B shots. The health clinic got us condoms and we decided until we get the results back from the tests we will refuse to have sex without protection. Since we started having sex we have wore condoms everytime. I hope we both are clean so that I have one less thing to worry about. I wish I waited to get tested before sex but I cant take it back now..

 I am not making enough money to pay the bills. I am very frustrated and instead of complaining as much as I normaly do I decided to put out job applications. I have been asking if I can get a full time position but no one wants to give me a fulltime job. I still have no answer on the front end lead position at kmart so I am going to simply put out more job applications and hope for the best. I am hoping on my next day off Talan will drive me to Workforce WV so I cant put out more applications there. I miss my car so much! I hope once I get a fulltime job I might bet a loan in order to purchase another ride!

 I was told the only way I can get a loan to get a car is to find me a full time job. I was told my credit was good by a loan company but unless I have a full time job I have to have a cosigner  since I dont have a full time job. I dont want a cosigner. I am thinking of waiting till tax season and get a cheap used car than. I hope I have enough money to get a car during that time because I hate walking! I hope my family will be patient with me until then.

 I have been depressed lately and my subconscious has been messing with me. I dream a lot of me driving a van with a toddler daughter and me pregnant that I got in a car wreck that caused my toddler to die by a broke neck and the impact caused me to lose the son inside of me. I dreamed I called Talan and when he realized that both our children died he sliced his throat. I woke up screaming to discover Talan sleeping on the couch beside the recliner I was asleep in. I gave him a kiss I told him I loved him and I went back to sleep. I dont know why I am dreaming about children that are not even conceived yet… Who knows!

 Sorry for such a long entry apparently I has more to say than I thought…BYE!