Clueless

Well I don’t know what’s wrong now!

🙁

Grrrrrrrrrr! I can kick myself for feeling this way!

What the heck is wrong with me anyways???

Let me examine the situation!

I talked with Axle Bear this afternoon!

We had a charming conversation.

I told him that on Wednesday I’d be sending him my sexy picture.

He smiled and thanked me. He told me he is overwhelmed by the affection I have for him. He told me that he is the type of guy who wears his heart up his sleeves!

He told me to remember that he hasn’t pressured me to take them. He thanked me.

I told him that I knew he did not. I told him that it was fun to send them to him. He told me that I was a great friend! I told him that I was his companion for life. He thanked me!

We hugged and kissed each other virtually (on-line).

We said little terms of endearment to one another.

Then we said goodbye. He had to lay out his clothes for work, and I had to get ready for Mother’s Day dinner.

So, why am I feeling so bad about this? I know he loves me so very much! He loves me deeply and on Thursday he told me that I mean so very much to him and never to leave his life. Maybe I am just so paranoid that I am a bit resentful and scared that Alex may one day try to reject me as a woman like Sam did and all the other crushes I’ve had. I am afraid that, he too will leave my life and I will be all alone for the rest of my life. I fear that I will never marry and be forever peerless…without a life partner to love and share my life with. It will hurt me deeply if he suddenly told me he found another woman and for pitty did not have the heart to let me down. I hate pitty above all else. I hate to be consoled and be pittied for wanting to have my needs met.

OOOOOOOOOh! I really hate that!

I should be grateful to Alexander! He is my best friend.

I love him so very much! Is it bad to want him to love me romantically? Is it bad that I want to be the center of his life? Is it wrong to want to be his wife so very strongly? Why do I feel so bad? Why is it easy for other women to get what they want so easily? My brother’s wife got what she wanted! She wasn’t subtle either. With force she stood up to my mother and told her that SHE WILL MARRY MY BROTHER WHETHER SHE LIKED IT OR NOT! She did!!! That was quite a powerful and painful experience! Now, my sis-in-law is very powerful, demanding, and my brother bought her a $5,0000 engagement ring. She married my brother much to my mother’s objections. 🙁 My brother went through a complete personality change. Now why…why…..is it so difficult for me to meet my needs? I am not a forceful woman! I am not a diva! I am not a dispicable lady…but a sweet, loving girl. Most sweet women hardly ever get anywhere! I am 37 years old and I’ve never even married! I never even had a lasting relationship yet! I feel that i’ve wasted half my life! It is just so frustrating! Alex is my only hope!

However, in love, you must love to be loved. You cannot force a person to love you. Love, I’ve learned, has the boomberang effect…you must throw your love to the heavens and then it will come back tenfold to you.

You must also love yourself first and then you will have enough love to give to others.

But I just feel so cheated out of love.

I understand the rules, but somehow I am just so resentful that love hasn’t returned to me just yet. Here I am waiting rather patiently!

My biological clock ticking away!

I will non-the-less leave this relationship to God!

He knows what’s best for both of us. I just want Him to know that there is nothing I want more than to make my life’s mission to love and cherish Alexander!

SensualRose @}>->->->->-