My Grandma Eats Tarantulas For Breakfast!

Do I have a story to tell you….

Yesterday morning started out like any other. I did have plans, but nothing unusual. My cousin Amanda gifts me with her son’s clothes as he grows out of them (more like, lends them on an extended loan – depending on whether or not either one of us have another boy). Luke is only 1 size behind Eli (Amanda’s son) despite them being 1 year and 3 months apart – so usually Luke picks up right where Eli leaves off, and they seem to upgrade sizes around the same time, oddly enough. Anyway! Amanda had been telling me about these two garbage bags worth of clothes I could have, and I told her I’d try to come by this week while I still had a car to get them. That was the plan for yesterday.

So we’re going through the morning motions and I planned to get in the shower as soon as Luke went down for a nap. Luke made it to bed, and that’s when I noticed it. Something sinister peeking out from under the TV stand. As soon as I saw it I called my mom.

Mom: Hello?
Me: Hey, uh….do you….happen to have a toy spider?
Mom: Huh? I think so. Tim used to put one on me to scare me, why?
Me: Really? Thank goodness. Because there is a kitten-sized insect under the TV stand.
Mom: Go poke it with a broom to see if it’s a toy.

I told her I would. I went to get the broom. I got about 5 feet away from it and freaked the hell out. I decided to just take a very careful note of where it was, and let the animals take care of it while I was out of the house. At least….I’d hoped they would. 

Luke & I took off and spent a couple hours at Amanda’s. By the time we got home, he was totally exhausted and ready for a nap. He was even running a slight fever and while acting generally fine, just seemed completely beat & a little cranky about it. Most likely teething, but he reeeeally needed sleep. The only thing I did before taking him upstairs was check on the spider. 

It moved. It freaking MOVED.

I seriously sprinted up the stairs with Luke in my arms and started dialing my mom. As I was changing Luke’s diaper and getting him situated in bed (while he looked at me like I was nuts), I questioned my mom again.

Me: Seriously, I’m not even joking, it moved.
Mom: How big is this thing?
Me: Like, tarantula size!
Mom: ….my toy wasn’t tarantula size.
Me: WHAT?! Are you freaking kidding me right now?!
Mom: No! 
Me: Ooooooooh my God it’s real, it’s freaking real.
Mom: Go spray it with something!
Me: Hellllll no! If that thing comes at me I am running down the block and Luke just got to sleep so that can’t happen.
Mom: Call someone!
Me: Who??
Mom: I don’t know, Grandma & Grandpa!
Me: What are they gonna do?
Mom: Check if it’s real?
Me: And then what? Would they kill it if it’s not?
Mom: I don’t know, maybe?
Me: OMG, I’m not even going downstairs.
Mom: Okay stay there, I’ll call Grandma.

I hung up with her, and a couple minutes later she called back and said "Grandma’s on her way!". Thank, Goodness. In the mean time, I didn’t know what to do with myself. My grandma only lives 15 minutes away so I knew it wouldn’t take long, but I do nooot do well with insects and I was wishing for an insect hotline that would stay on the phone with me until help arrived. So I called Amanda. For the next 10 minutes she told me about her crappy creepy insect horror stories (in hindsight, this was probably not the best topic, but it distracted me anyway). I kept pacing through the kitchen, checking on the spider from the furthest doorways to make sure it stayed in the same spot. I stood by the front door and zoomed my camera in as far as it could go to see if a picture could tell me if it was real or not.

Um, holy shit. I was so creeped out looking at the picture I couldn’t even look at it for long. Even though I KNEW it looked a little too "perfect" and "posed", it was way too creepy to think logically. 

Amanda was half grossed out with me and half entertained. She kept saying, you have to keep me on the phone when Grandma gets there lol. I told her I would.

So, Grandma arrived. She walked in like it was all business (sooo funny) and goes "Alright, where is he?". I pointed. She walked over and said "Wow, he is a biggin’!". Holy crap. I asked her if it was real, she said she couldn’t tell. HOLY CRAP. She went and got a broom & dust pan and swept it up – at this point I was backing away from her in a panic while asking her if it was real over and over again. I saw her lean forward and study it. She seemed to be looking quite intently and i kept thinking "OMG OMG OMG It’s real".

Finally she looked up from the dustpan and said….

"He’s not real"

You would think I’d be breathing a huge sigh of relief at this point, but for some reason I was STILL freaked out! She kept saying, "it’s plastic, look, it’s fake!" and picking it up with her fingers. I kept backing away and saying "I don’t care I still don’t want to see it! Throw it out! Get it out of here!!". She was laughing hysterically….so was Amanda. I told them both I was happy they were laughing at me and there hadn’t been a freaking tarantula hiding, waiting to crawl it’s fat ugly body all over me and my baby! I joined in the laughing eventually , yet I couldn’t stop glaring at the plastic spider in my Grandma’s hand, wondering how she was holding it so easily and calmly. It’s plastic, helloooo!!! Why are such things even made? Seriously.

I told her to throw it out, and she said she wanted a picture first. Amanda told me to tell her to pretend she was eating it lol.

Maybe I’m a tad too sensitive when it comes to bugs, but at least I have a Grandma to rescue me!