spew spew spew

luke hasn’t puked in about 40 hours, his poop is gaining some sort of form, and his diaper rash is improving every time i see it. buuuut. the snot seems to be driving him insane. he woke up with a disgusting crusty glob all over his face. i heard him absolutely hacking stuff up many times over the night. 

this is the scariest part. i got him up, changed him, went downstairs to give him breakfast, and he freeeeeeeaked out. like, serious crazy person. struggling to get out of our arms but then when we’d put him on the floor he’d just collapse into a heap of self pity. he ate half his breakfast (just baby rice cereal, trying to keep it extremely simple right now) before swatting it away and having no interest. his attitude was unlike anything i’ve seen before. it kind of freaked us out. the only thing we hadn’t tried was sleep so we put him back in his crib, which he can’t seem to decide if he likes or not. 

i don’t understand. is he in pain? what is his deal??
 

okay, well….it seems he just needed a re-start. he’s still not…..happy. but, he finished his cereal & ate a second bowl and now he’s double fisting graham crackers and drinking water. he’s still very fragile, in a bratty kind of way, but he’s not scaring me any more. 

thanks for putting up with my verbal "thinking" and learning experiences with this whole ordeal. even when you think you know the obvious, there’s sooo much to learn when you’re in the heat of things. experience, experience, experience.

i want spring so badly. not even because i’m tired of the snow, because to be quite honest….i would be perfectly content getting a crazy blizzard of some kind (assuming i wouldn’t have to leave the house and my baby wouldn’t be sick). but i just need…..the renewal, that spring stands for. i need the sunnier days. i need to get AWAY from cold & flu season. i need get out of my chilly snuggie huddles and get my crazy spring cleaning motivation. as well as my, tone the body for a bridesmaid dress, motivation.

and that brings me to the jumbled mess of disorganized thoughts that have been floating through my brain. 

i’m so tired of not having a house. it’s not that it’s bad living here, it’s not. i just….feel so unsettled. i feel like i can’t quite do things right because of that fact and maybe that sounds…dumb? but i operated so well when i had all MY things in MY place and ran my days MY way, and without that form to my life i feel like i’m slacking on a lot. things that would have been easy for me to do previously. and i don’t think its JUST the lack of organization in my life, i think it’s the added distraction of living with others and having to please (or at least attempt to please) more people than just, my husband and my son. it makes for a very…chaotic, and crowded environment in my head.

we get daily emails from our realtor….we’re on this automated email system where, anytime something fits our criteria it gets sent to us. i get so excited when i open my inbox and see her name. there’s been a couple times where i thought, "no matter what this house is, i’m going to say to matt….let’s just get this one". but then i open it and….thumbs down.

one piece of good news? matt filed our tax return yesterday. and thanks to mr. deduction, we are getting a kind of amazing return. AND, matt is getting a bonus this month. the amounts of those two…are going to add up to the amount we HOPED to have but weren’t sure how long it would take us to get there, before house hunting. so what does that mean? realistically the longer we stay here, in my mom’s house, the more money we can save up and the better house we can buy. however….we’re now sufficiently prepared to buy at any time. SO. house hunting can now shift from, casually looking, to seriously searching. and i just….have to remember to have a little patience and hold out for THE house, and not….the easy, first one that comes along, house.

i’m so anxious. sooo so anxious. i think about all of the awesome kitchen tools and soft bedding and cute pictures i have waiting for us in our storage unit and i cannot waiiiiiiit to find the place to unload it all and make it our home. i want to start putting lukey’s HOME together…the one that he will remember fondly from his childhood. 

i’m supposed to go try on dresses tonight. i had to cancel on sunday because i was in the hospital with luke. and today? matt took monday off and half of tuesday to help me with sick luke and isn’t sure if he can get out early enough so i can go. my mom either has to go too, or will be home too late to watch luke….and since he’s still under the weather tim won’t be able to handle him. i can’t ask my grandma to watch him because i don’t want to risk getting her sick. i have no one else to ask. i don’t really think it’s a great idea to bring a sick kid in public, to infect anyone that comes near him and for him to cause a scene because he’s miserable. but that’s a moot point anyway, because i don’t have a car or car seat. i thought this crap was supposed to be easier living here?

do you know what i’d give for an hour or two out of the house? probably, one of my limbs. okay maybe not. but something big. oooh spring how i need you. 

i have like, 70 other things to say, but….i think i’ve suddenly forgotten how to put sentences together. i’m so drained.