and on it goes

this might end up being very spewy and nonsensical because that’s how my brain feels right now….

first, luke. he’s….doing slightly better in most regards. after my OD near break down, and my short cry-fest with matt afterwards, luke woke up from an entirely too short nap covered in poo. again. i changed him into something comfy and settled into the recliner with him, along with a blanket and pacifier. since i’ve already had to throw most parental stances i’ve taken thus far out the window while trying to make him better (the amount of juice he’s taken in kind of makes me sick, and he betterrrr not get used to it), i put shrek on tv and let him fall asleep to it. when i had this saturday, having the TV on and getting lost in something was the only thing that could take my mind of the churning in my stomach long enough to fall asleep. it worked. before long he was slumped over on me in a semi-upright position (which was my goal, so he wouldn’t wake up choking on snot every 5 minutes) and he took a good nap on me. when he woke up, he felt a little feverish. i had mixed feelings about this because believe it or not, until that point, he didn’t have a fever. so did this mean he was getting worse? or was his body finally strong enough to kick up the defenses and kick this virus’ ass?

i was really honestly too afraid to give him motrin because i thought he’d just throw it up. he drank about….15ish ounces of water (i couldn’t believe how fast he was drinking it and it wasn’t making him throw up), and because of this my mom thought he’d be able to keep it down. i was willing to try. we gave him a slightly smaller dose (considering he hadn’t eaten much of anything solid in the past 3-4 days), and my mom walked around with him to wait for it to kick in while matt & i ate. i desperately wanted something in luke’s system (the medicine on an empty stomach made me nervous) but the boy would eat nothing. he was repulsed by everything i tried. i worked my way through the BRAT diet – all of which he refused. Part of that may have been my fault because i forgot to test the apples i used to make applesauce and didn’t realize how inanely tart they were. when he tasted them he kind of freaked and wouldn’t allow anything else in his mouth. he wouldn’t even LOOK at anything dry. matt had a (really, brilliant) idea (i don’t know why i didn’t think of it), and decided to sit in front of luke and slowly eat graham crackers without offering any to him. it wasn’t long before luke was reaching out a tired hand asking for some. matt started breaking off tiny little pieces for him, and before long he ate 2 whole crackers. (believe me, this was a HUGE accomplishment).

in slightly better spirits (he was doing his famous fake-laugh for everyone watching him eat crackers in awe), i decided it was a good time to change him and get him ready for bed. much to my surprise, his diaper was EMPTY! for the first time in……DAYS! he must have had a good 3-4 hour break from the poop monster, and because of this, A LOT of his diaper rash cleared up. his balls? still a wreck. they probably need DAYS of no more liquid poo to recover. but most of the rash on his bum was either totally gone, or reduced in both size and color dramatically.

by the time he made it to bed, it was around 8. he slept for about an hour before waking up and crying. i got him back up and rocked him for a while before putting him back down, and then i went to bed myself. JUST as i was falling asleep….he woke up screaming. his diaper wasn’t dirty. he didn’t puke. he had his pacifiers and his glow worm. he didn’t want anything to drink. and at first, nothing to eat. i couldn’t figure him out! matt was kind of in a panic…thinking he looked even more pale than he had. i didn’t really think so…or maybe i was just still in my panic state so i didn’t have any further to go on my freak out range? but i was tired, and not feeling great, so i finally said forget it….he’s coming to bed with me. he would snuggle on me for about 5 minutes before sitting up and crying hysterically again. nothiiiing would calm him. finally, out of no where, he decided that he wanted to eat graham cracker after all…..and poof. he was better. he ate like, 7 more (!!) and was very animatedly "talking" about this cracked out kids show that was on at 11pm. he was a new baby!

i tried to put him back to bed but he kept anxiously reaching for me and slumping into me as soon as i held him. i tried to take him back to my bed to sleep, but he couldn’t get comfortable and kept stirring. i finally had to have matt take him to bed….and when it wasn’t ME that he was having to break away from, he accepted it and went to sleep. he woke up a couple times needing his pacifier, and i had to put matt on that duty because every time he saw me he would reach for me and want to come with me. i hated to stay away like that, but he needed his sleep more than anything…and it worked. despite the few moments he needed pacifier assistance, he slept through 7am.

this morning he had a nasty diaper, BUT, it had more consistency to it than anything i’ve seen yet. he ate 1/2 a bowl of oatmeal and about 5-6oz of water for breakfast and kept it all down. he’s struggling a bit more with the snot today, so i sat with him in the bathroom with the hot shower running for about 15 minutes and it seemed to break it up enough to help him fall asleep for his nap. where he is now.

and here i am.

matt went back to work today, and i’m kind of at a loss as to what i should do. this place is…..a mess. i had every intention of trying to keep it clean this week, but when you have a baby in such a needy state and you’re busy cleaning up his misc. bodily functions from every surface and article of clothing in the place, other things tend to go a little ignored.

so i could be doing nothing but scrubbing and organizing right now but ya know…..my mind is a little shot. while i feel slightly more stable at this very moment because of luke’s slight progress (which even makes me nervous because at every single point i thought we were making progress, he would take two steps back), i’m still on the edge of crazy. i feel like i should take a few minutes for me.

well scratch that. because luke is already waking up (only 45 minutes later). i don’t even have time to finish writing what i wanted to.