spewage. about babies. *febmusno

i’m gonna give this thing a shot.
it seems like a fun, easy one to do.

Day #1 – "Post a song from the first album you ever owned".

Amy Grant – Baby Baby – Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

LOL.

i had two really bizarre dreams last night.

i’m having a hard time remembering the first. my mom woke us up at 3am because one of the dogs had to go outside and she fell down the stairs (the dog, not my mom). she left the hall light on and our bedroom door was wide open. kind of hard to ignore all those things at once, ya know? i was in the middle of  dreaming about being famous…for what? no idea. i was at my grandparent’s house "hiding out" but someone apparently had some dirt on me. i leaned out the back door to take the garbage out, and someone with a camera snapped a picture of me and like seconds later it was posted everywhere with some elaborate made up rumor. i was so pissed i vowed to leave the scene and never give them anything to talk about again. i was telling my family that this was my plan, and my mom started defending the people who were running me out. this part was hilarious to me….because, that’s exactly what my mom does. no matter what the situation or who is involved, if you say anything negative about anything at all….she defends it to the death. 

i thought there was no way i’d forget the details of that dream, but i went on to dream about something else. something that….for some strange reason is bothering me. and it completely blocked out the details of my first dream.

lately, i’ve had a lot of the details of pregnancy and birth on my mind. like…running through every single tiny aspect. it is ALWAYS on my mind. and i find this so strange, because once i was over the initial trauma of it all, i kind of filed the details away because i was just so happy to have it behind me for a little while. while the idea of a tiny baby makes me feel very nostalgic very quickly, i really haven’t had the urge to get moving on #2. partly because i’m enjoying my time with JUST luke so much right now, and partly because…..i hated pregnancy, and i hated the birth-after-birth-feeling-disgusting-and-worthless-and-fat phase that followed it. when i lost the weight on WW and i finally felt somewhat normal again, all i could think was "holy CRAP it’s nice to have my body back". no one kicking me in the organs or ribs or hiccuping for an eternity while i’m trying to sleep. no one stretching my skin past it’s max. no restrictions on what i can eat or drink (hellooo bleu cheese and beer). no rapid weight gain, no constant nausea, no never ending back pain. no feeling like a beached whale. no never-ending 8 week after birth experience (sorry, yuck). no endless days of sweat pants. no sore nipples, no sleepless nights. no constant probings from doctors. no blood samples, no peeing in a cup every freaking week, no iron supplements. no horse pill prenatals.

so why….when i’ve been so utterly content to forget about all of these things for a long while, are they bursting to the front of my mind and drowning out every other thought i have lately? i don’t want them there!!

that goes for dreaming, too. last night, in dream #2, i was extremely pregnant. i don’t know where i was, but i was watching a movie and i know matt was there, as well as my mom. for some reason i was camped out on the floor with a sleeping bag. and just like when i was pregnant and utterly exhausted, i couldn’t stay awake for the whole movie. i drifted off. when i woke up, there was a baby cradled in my legs, sleeping, and i was no longer pregnant. i looked around and matt and my mom were both hovering near by. i asked what happened and they said i had the baby. i asked them a never ending stream of questions…..i gave birth while i was asleep?? who helped me? what happened to the cord? is the baby okay? how did you know what to do? how long has the baby been sleeping? etc etc etc. they answered my questions and suggested that i go upstairs and change my clothes. i said before i went i wanted to name my baby. they told me it was a girl. i can’t remember her name at all right now….but i think it started with a C and there was a Y in it? i went upstairs and grabbed some clothes, and the next thing i knew i was at someone else’s house. (TMI Alert). I was bleeding all over the place and I couldn’t find anything to stop it. I went to the bathroom and when I got up (I was sitting on someone’s bed) I noticed I ruined their bed set and i just turned it over so they wouldn’t know. (freaking gross!). when i finally took care of it, i sat down at the computer to send an announcement of my baby’s birth, and I just kept typing "I actually had a girl!!! I actually had a GIRL!!!!"

it reminded me of another dream I had a week or two ago, and I didn’t have any recollection of being pregnant or giving birth, but there was a bassinet at the end of my bed (here at my mom’s), and in it was a baby girl.

I think I must be a little obsessed with the idea of having a girl???

i know that part of my inner struggle lately is the boy/girl thing. i know that i have virtually no say in that, but it’s still something i always think about. i always thought i’d have all girls because, that’s just what we have in my family! i initially thought luke was a girl, not even based on any form of intuition, just…because i assumed that’s what would happen. when i found out he was a boy, i had to do some major adjusting. not just, thinking in terms of blue over pink and stuff like that….i just never saw myself as a boy mom. luke has been such an incredible little baby and he taught me pretty instantly how great it is to have boy babies, too! nowadays….i can’t even imagine what it would be like to have a girl baby!! it seems like a totally foreign thing to me. but i still want one. i still kind of ache for one (obviously) because….i want that. i want someone to spend my crafty efforts on (luke won’t care once he’s passed, like, kindergarten!). i want someone to do girly stuff with and share mom-daughter moments with when she gets married, and be close to her babies (because, you know, the mom of the mom always gets favoritism, so i probably won’t be the favorite grandma of luke’s kids). i will be sad if i never get that.

but at the same time….my mind is already SO set on the boy track, and matt’s side only seems to have boys….so i’ve already started thinking of #2 as a boy. it would be great to have a little brother for luke so they could wrestle away and do their boy things that get really old for me after a while lol. and seriously….being the female head of a house full of boys? talk about being worshiped! 🙂

i don’t really know what to make of all of it. maybe my mind is just fully recovering finally, and simply because i’m in prime baby making age it’

s going directly back to it as goal #1? maybe because i know that ttc is coming at the end of the summer (which seems an eternity away from now with all that snow and below freezing temps out there) so my mind is like, okay brain, let’s start sorting through this crap so we’re sane in time. or maybe because i’m nervous about finding good doctors and going to get "all clear" check ups before we get to that point? or maybe it’s all of the above, plus some. i just…..wish i could shut it off now and then, or at least turn down the volume a little!

anyway. there’s my spewage. i’m going to go….i don’t know. either shower or scrapbook. i have yet to decide which one is more important lol.
 

To Dooooos

Todayish
-dishes
-put toaster away
-wash luke’s high chair tray
-clean up luke’s toys in living room
-clean up mess luke made in dining room
-finish this morning’s card
-clear a work space for matt
-hang up coats
-start a load of laundry
-clear off counters
-scrap til luke wakes up
-move laundy around
-start 2nd load

This Weekish
-write thank yous for party #2
-mail all cards on hold