Blame Canada

I started watching the new show Flashforward and liked it enough to pick up the novel on which it was based. I’ve been really getting into it and I love pretty much every aspect of it, save for the fact that it mentions Canada SO EFFING MUCH. I have nothing against the country or its citizens, it’s just that every time I hear or read something about Canada it makes me think of Nameless. In fact, last night I was really into the story when it actually said the word "Canuck." I threw my book across the room. That butthead of an author even went so far as to bring up Nameless’s city! Really? That was necessary? REALLY?!

*headdesk* I’m more frustrated than I should be. I’m just not good at moving on. I laughed at myself the other day when I realized that the fact that our "breakup"1 feels so different from anything else I’ve been through with any other exes2 is exactly what makes it the same. Every time I’m forced to be separated from someone with whom I’ve fallen in love it’s just this crazy torturous feeling. Every time I feel like there’s no one else out there that makes me feel like they do. Every time I feel like there’s no one else I want to be with. Every single time I feel, "No really! This time is different because ______."

This time is different because right now, there’s no one else I want to be with. At all. That was NEVER the case in the past. I’m not proud to say this, but I cheated on Mechanic. Twice. I was faithful in every other relationship, but it was always a struggle. One of the (many) reasons I declared that I never wanted to get married was because I would never want to break my wedding vows and I didn’t think I could ever go the rest of my life with just one person. After I met Nameless, though, that completely changed. We weren’t dating so when what should have been very tempting offers came along all I could think was, "Nope. There’s only one person I want to be with and you’re not him." That was one of those core-shaking moments. I have a strong sex drive and I’ve put it to very good use for a very long time. I never thought I’d want to change my ways. I never even thought it was possible. Maybe Nameless was thrown in my path to show me that domesticity is in the cards for me after all? I’ll always be thankful to him for having instilled that one bit of hope, even if he never contacts me again.

And, unfortunately, I’m reasonably sure that he never will. I seem to have done a pretty good job of pushing him away. So good in fact that when I called him because I was in real trouble he still let silence be my only companion. Long story short, my cousin’s work called to say that no one had seen or heard from him in four days. This is completely out of character so his sister was on the phone with the police and I attempted to cyber track him. I was on the road, but I could tell from my phone’s Facebook app that he had posted a blog entry titled "Fuck" but it wouldn’t let me read it without using an actual computer. I was scared that this was some sort of warning or letter of intent to self-injure in some fashion so when I couldn’t get it to open I panicked. Right away I called Nameless because I knew he would have access to a computer and that he could be trusted not only with my password, but with my family’s privacy should there be some sort of bad news. Thankfully all turned out okay. My cousin had indeed gone MIA because of a nervous breakdown, but we were able to find him before anything crazy happened.

I’m thankful that my family’s story turned out well, but disappointed and hurt that when I needed someone the most Nameless was nowhere to be found. Nevertheless, I’m not really angry. I hope he’s doing well. I hope he’s still writing. I hope the world will eventually get to meet Sam. Even more than that, I hope that one day I’ll stop hoping he calls. He’s made his stance clear; there is little more I can do than just accept it.

I’ll move on eventually. I always do.

1"breakup" is a completely misleading term, but I can’t think of a polite way to say "when he decided to be a twat and simply stopped talking to me"

2Nameless is not actually an ex because he was never actually my boyfriend, but the terminology gets across the basic idea