6/17/04

I’m not entirely sure what to write. My head is still spinning. I finally managed to track down SchoolyP. Thank you LifeIsForLiving. I can’t believe I never googled his full name. What was I thinking???

 I had looked at his site a number of times over the last four years, each time hoping that he had decided to update his entry or put an email address on there. He never did. I thought about him often. Worried about him. Not really in a romantic way…though I suppose there were rosey undertones. Fantasy mostly…something I never really wanted to turn into reality. I was able to talk to him like no other. I could tell him wierd quirky things and he would understand them…something I found to be a rarity, especially during those tumultuous teenaged years. I checked my email about fifty times an hour just hoping to see a message from him. I knew there was no way he would wait to be with me, nor would I wait to be with him. He was on the other side of the world and I couldn’t just hop on a plane to see him…and he couldn’t do the same for me.

I had (have?) him on such a pedestal. We spoke on the phone only once. It was a bit awkward. I was terrified to speak. I had become so attached to him through our emails and IMs that I didn’t want to mess everything up. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered.

I can’t believe this. This entry has GOT to sound different than the rest. I feel like my writing style is different. I feel as if my thought process is different! I don’t know. I just feel different right now. I am terrified of him reading this and thinking I’-m some internet psycho. I’m not (much). I have been so terribly depressed lately and seeing his site brought back such nostalgic feelings. Somehow, it brought back the pain and pleasure of my depressed teen years. I have found such comfort in depression…and I hate that.

Reading his blog (no, he isn’t on OD so don’t ask for his name) I felt like I was slapped in the face. If there was ever anyone who could shut me up it was him. I don’t know how. Maybe that was one of the reasons I needed so desperately to find him again. He always knew how to smack me upside the head and say “There are bigger problems in the world.” I wonder if I ever told him that. I wonder if he ever knew the impact he had on me.

I was going through a horrible time with TexasSchmuck and SchoolyP really helped me through it. I needed him at that point in my life. Then something bad happened to him. Something that I couldn’t help him through and I lost him. It was from that point on that I could only wonder what he was going through. Now I have a new blog to read and new ways to explore my vicarious side. I’ve done so much reflection on my life and I thought I was coming to some conclusions. His blog changed that. Dammit. Now what the hell am I supposed to do?

Why the sudden push to find him again? I have wanted to talk to him for the last four years. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t always the first thing on my mind, but it came up in reflective conversations. What made the difference this time? I did most of my “detective work” with Boyfriend sitting a few yards away. It didn’t feel like cheating, but it felt awkward. Was Boyfriend my push? Was this some stupid cry for attention?

I have felt so distant from Boyfriend. As you know we still haven’t had “the talk”. I told him a few days ago that it is really affecting me. I can’t just not know where we stand.  We made plans for a big group to go camping at the end of next month. When I pushed him on the having “the talk” he said “Don’t you want to go camping next month??” I was like, wtf?? Apparently he feels like if we talk now that we won’t go together next month. He says that he feels like it will drive a wedge between us. *ugh* I told him that it is not fair to string me along for a month so he can go camping and then break up with me. I’m so scared of this stupid talk. It makes me want to avoid it at all costs so I can stay with him in mock happiness. But who on earth wants to sustain mock happiness?? I can’t imagine my life without him. But at the moment I’m having a hard time imagining my future with him.

There are so many things I want to do…so many things I know he wouldn’t support me in. How long have I wanted to be in the Corp? Forever! My reward for getting through bootcamp was supposed to be getting the EG&A tattooed on the small of my back. That never happened. I never enlisted. When this whole Boyfriend drama began I told myself (and a friend) that if we broke up I would enlist in the Reserves. I hoped to be called to active duty. When I read about the talk of reinstating the draft I secretly wished that I would be called. Not because war is glorious, but because it might help me be a little less selfish. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to give up my comfortable life to serve my country. I’m so spoiled right now…but I feel horrible about it. I feel like a drunk who knows she is an alcoholic, but does nothing to fight it.

Which brings me back to SchoolyP. Reading his entries brings a sad form of inspiration. I feel past my prime. Reading it I think “You could have done this. You have no stories like this because you’ve never been a big enough person to sacrifice like this.” I guess that is why I am so attached to him. I admire him for his choices. I’m even slightly jealous. He hasn’t had an easy life…not even close. He is a strong person with more admirable qualities than I can list in the 30,000 characters OD allows.