State of Confusion

Well, I talked to Boyfriend last night. I tried to write an entry about it at the time, but I was crying too hard. There was just no way.

Through much discussion he realized something about himeself that he had never been able to articulate previously. He wants a housewife. He wants to marry someone that will be satisfied just settling down and having babies. I didn’t know what to say about it. It was really hard for him to admit that and he even started to cry, which of course made me cry even harder. I need to touch him. I need to hug him. I need to feel him holding me. I don’t know if I can think rationally if I don’t.

I’m really torn up about what to do. I want a family. I was in Jamba Juice yesterday when a mother walked in with her preschool-aged daughter. I felt a twinge of envy watching them interact because I knew it was what I so desperately wanted. I want a family. I have wanted to have a child since I was a child! And the thought of handing him or her off to some nanny to be raised totally turns me off. I want to be a stay at home mom. I hate admitting it, but I find real pleasure in getting up to make Boyfriend breakfast in the morning. I don’t get to do it anymore because I’m on the road before his alarm even goes off, but I miss it. I love the idea of staying home and taking care of the kids. Having time to take an art class now and then. Not constantly worrying about work and home, but being focused on just one.

On the other hand, I have such a passion for entertainment. Would I really be able to settle down? I love being on stage, and I’m good at it! There is a rush you get from performing that is like no other. I have a lot of talent that I want to put to good use. I want to write (though I can do that at home), I want to direct, I want to sing, I want to dance. I want to do everything performance related! But at the same time, I want a family. And like I said before I don’t want to let nannies raise my kids for me. The deeper I get into entertainment the less I like it. It really is a very seedy(sp?) business. I would not enjoy myself if I was living JLo’s life. There are too many politics. I hate the idea of not knowing who my true friends were and who was just along for the ride. I would be happy now if I was doing it at a community level. That’s more my style. *UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH* I don’t know what to do. I think if he would be willing to support me in my desire to do low-budget, community level things I would be satisfied leaving my job. I really want to be on stage. But I really want to have a family. I don’t want to deal with the press, but I still want to have a small spotlight on me. I don’t know. Heeeeeellllpp!

That is a tough one. Let me say this though…I believe that a housewife is a important thing, and I find nothing wrong with a woman being a housewife. That *IS* a real, legitamate, important job. But at the same time, you gotta do what you love! Maybe entertain for a few more years and then refocus on raising a family and keeping the house?

For what it is worth from a complete stranger… Try do both. Where there is a will, there is way.

perhaps you could direct school plays? that way you are home most of the day, and only have to go out for practices. you can take care of your child, and bring him/her along and hopefully get him/her interested in it too. and you can make special guest appearances in plays- that way you write, direct, and perform a little, but its not glamorous, and still have much of the day for your children 🙂

… of course i have no idea what i’m talking about, but eh, i tried 🙂 whatever happens, i wish you luck with Boyfriend and your decisions 🙂

Well, I hope you know that I will always be there for you(even thought so far away). And you will always be my freind, famous or not. Just follow your heart….

forever in motion

May 20, 2004

I’ve been reading backwards. Of course, I don’t know all the details here, but it seems to me something more is going on with the Boyfriend than just his idea of what he would want in a wife. I think this has to do with what he feels about himself right now, too. Hard to explain, but there’s a lot going on in his mind and emotions right now. Not easy on you, I’m sure. xxoo,

I gave up my dream of acting to get married and raise a family. I never thought I’d be where I am now. I don’t regret it but I do wonder, almost daily, what would have happened if I went to NY instead of the church the day I got married.