Lake Recollection.

I’d like to take a few moments to recollect a time far away. If you don’t want to read an entry that has nothing to do with flying body parts, nuclear explosions, or zombified dinosaurs, you should probably stop reading now and go rent Dawn of The Dead. That movie is way awesome.

It all started with me getting an Yahoo! IM from some psychotic white trash bitch I was hoping I would never hear from again. When I decided to put her on my Ignore list though, I ran into something I had not pondered in a long time. A name that I had added previously that belonged to someone I had met long long ago.

I don’t even remember how long ago this was, or what the exact timing was. But once upon a time, between 2001 and 2003, I met someone incredible. I don’t remember exactly how or why – it might have been on the Internet, but that detail aside, this woman was nothing short of amazing to me when I first met her. Her name is Jenny. She’s still alive, going to college relatively close to where I live, and was my first flirtation with paradise, or at least it seemed so at first.

Before I go on, I should say that I have incredibly high stardards, which is probably not good for me, since it means that my chances of ever finding someone I could be happy with are probably next to nil. But this chick was pretty dammed close. Right away, I learned that she and I had an incredible amount of the same interests. First of all, this girl was HOT. I don’t mean cute or pretty either, I mean fucking smokin. She has the most amazing red hair, and a body I won’t even bother to describe. Nice legs, nice ass, everything a body could ever want in a woman. Suffice to say, this chick was model material. When it comes to sexy, she was no slouch either. Not only was she hot, she was into EVERYTHING. Anal, threesomes, and shit I can’t even remember. She wasn’t shy about any of this either – sexuality is something that she was really serious about.

But that wasn’t everything either. She was not only older than me but incredibly brilliant. And no, I don’t mean she was smart as in she got straight A’s. I mean Stephen Hawking smart. Smart as in, she knew what a Higgs-Boson particle was. Smart as in, she could discuss quantum mechanics, M-Theory, and relativistic phenomenon without batting an eye. I’ve only met a handful of people who could do this, and none of them were as hot as this chick was.

She’s really into sci-fi too, despite all the bullshit physics they have. We talked about Hebrew, Arabic, socioeconomics, and theology. She also had kittens. Two of them. A chick with kittens automatically gets a boost on the cuteness scale. She was really into Jewish studies too, partly cos she shares a bloodline link with that people. That and the fact that she could speak Italian, English, Spanish, Hebrew and some Arabic. Like I said, she was no lightweight in the brains department.

She was an excellent dancer. And I don’t mean bullshit dancing either, like the kind you see stoned/drunk kids doing at night clubs and high school parties. I mean salsa, ballroom, hip hop, and swing. She snowboarded too, and had an awesome right hook.

However, there was one serious drawback that came with this package: She was a total bitch.

Maybe it was the looks or the brains, but somehow, she had the biggest ego in the two universes, and I mean this in the worst possible way. She talked down to almost everyone she met, especially people she felt were her intellectual/physical inferiors – and she meant it. Her people skills were just plain shitty and the arrogance that she displayed was worse. She acted like she was entitled to the very best, even when she herself had serious issues – primarily with evaluating every one she spoke with. Talking with this chick gave me the impression that saying just one wrong thing would result in her getting pissed. And for any ladies who are reading this, if you have this kind of personality, my advice would be to shoot yourself in the face and spare all other human beings the misery of personal interaction with you. Walking on eggshells with someone is not fun and any bitch who makes it so her friends/family can’t relax in her presence isn’t gunna have a lot of either for very long.

As with all undesirable traits I notice in people, I found it rather quaint and even a little cute the first time I encountered this personality trait, but over time, it became more and more irritating and annoying until the point where I found her attitude insufferable. Eventually, she and I stopped talking after a long while of communicating back and forth, primarily because she was being an evasive bitch who, although priding herself in being honest, wasn’t able to step up to the plate. Mind games and bullshit came in all too soon and evetually, I realized the truth – I had found a monster in fluffy clothing. We fought about something stupid I can’t remember, I think more than anything that was me trying to find an excuse to be rid of her, and the conversation ended with me wishing her well in life, and her throwing that parting comment back in my face with a fresh load of bile. Mature.

I don’t really know why I am writing about this. I think the reason why is because up until now, I managed to forget all about this girl (I am sure you can understand why, by now), and yet, I do understand that she is as close as I have ever gotten to perfection. I don’t regret having left her behind – believe me, if I saw her tomorrow, I’d run very very fast in the other direction. But I think what I really missed was the IDEA of someone like her. Someone that close to being perfect and true. And most importantly, desparing at the thought that I might never find someone like that again. Someone hot. Someone sweet. Someone exciting and brainy who had all those amazing qualities and actually be fun to talk to. Be able to relax around. Someone who I could discuss sci-fi, religion, and particle physics with, after an incredible night in bed.

I ditched my last girlfriend, for more than anything else, the fact that in my mind, she wasn’t perfect. Or at least, not close enough to it.

I guess the real message I am trying to send to my fellow readers is that settling is a total bitch. And you all know what I mean by settling. If you are looking for a prince charming to be your boyfriend, don’t settle for some asshole who has almost everything you need, but two things that piss you the fuck off. Settling will build resentment in the settler and will waste the time of the settlee. It is why I gave up my last girlfriend. The more time I spent with her, the more I realized that better things were out there. I didn’t want to waste her time because I knew that if I committed to her for even longer, that I would grow bitter and angry that she WASN’T everything I need in someone I have to spend my life with. I know my quest for perfection might seem a little idealistic, but I say “so what?” I don’t know about all of you, but if I had to choose a life all alone and a life with someone who I knew could never be everything I want, I’d take the lonesome way out anyday. Freedom beats being shackled to something you never really wanted anyday. Don’t cry for me about this story – This entry isn’t some sob story designed to elicit sympathy. I wouldn’t have done anything differently if I had the chance again. If I had, then there would be a reason to pity me. A damn good reason.

Not settling doesn’t mean not being with someone who isn’t perfect – it means not being with someone who doesn’t fit ALL of your minimum qualifications. If you don’t know what that is yet, don’t even think about committing yourself to a long term relationship.

Finally, if you do find that someone who I am talking about, do NOT fuck it up. Or if you do, have a good backup plan. Even if you have to kiss ass to do it. Finding something like that is priceless – fucking it up will cost you for the rest of your days.

-His Divine Shadow

P.S. As of yesterday, I heard that this chick has gotten a new man in her life. Ironic, since the last time I checked (which was nought but a few days ago), she has been pretty adamant about not seeking a boyfriend. Personally, I hope that she has either grown up since the last time we talked, or that her boy has a whole lot of patience.

P.P.S. Every attempt to find information about this episode in my life from my archives has failed. I am guessing I probably deleted all the evidence myself a long time ago to prevent the very thing I an trying to do; dig up memories that are best left forgotten.