So here’s the thing…

…I became a serial dater.  I started dating more than one guy thinking that where I was at at the time was a place of no commitments.  The first guy that I started talking to was Antonio.  Sweet guy.  Only 29 though and definitely immature.  Fun to hang out with, but I have no interest in any type of relationship with him.

Then there was Terrence.  He’s 39 and lives in San Francisco.  Is basically a caretaker for his elderly parents and lives with them.  Lives paycheck to paycheck, but the checks aren’t even technically his from what I can tell.  But still payment for taking care of his parents.  That basically is his job I guess.  Needless to say he’s an hour away from me.  Because of the need to be there for his parents, his ability to come to me is nearly non-existent.  If I want to see him, I have to take the train up there.  When we are together, we get along great.  Constantly laugh.  Totally have chemistry.  He’s young at heart, but sometimes I wonder if he might be too young at heart if that make sense.  Needless to say, he’s a great guy, but he’s not Thurman.

Thurman is completely legit.  He has his shit together.  He’s fun to just be around.  He’s not a man of many words, but I quickly became comfortable with the silence.  We click well together.  I am in love with his dog, Diesel.  There’s just something about him that has pulled me in.  That’s why after last weekend, I was so frustrated.  

But instead of just waiting it out at home, I decided to be a douche and distract myself by going up to San Francisco for two days.  Thurm and I went back and forth on text one night, and by the end of the conversation, I told him that if anything, I didn’t want him to walk away from our friendship.  That was what meant the most to me.  Apparently on Tuesday, he messaged me on fb, but I didn’t see that until I got home yesterday.  That’s why when I got his text on Wednesday, I was kinda confused.  It basically said, "You don’t owe me anything, but can you at least tell me to fuck off so I know you’re okay?"  When I got that, I replied back that I’m not going to say fuck off because I don’t want that.  Then let him know that I was just busy and up in SF.  He told me thank you, and that he was hella worried.  I asked him why (not knowing about the fb message that I didn’t respond to), and he told me that he worries about the people that he cares about and that it hadn’t been an easy few days for him.

So yesterday, I get home from the city, and was just relaxing.  It was good to just be home since I had been gone for days.  I texted Thurm to ask him if he was in San Jose for work, but didn’t get a reply.  Later on, I gave him a call which he answered to say that he was in a meeting.  (Not sure why he answered if he was in a meeting.)  So I apologized for interrupting and he said he would call me later.  Then he immediately replied to my earlier text to say that he was actually in San Francisco for work.  Anywhooo… a little later on, I was checking out some pictures that he had posted on his fb page.  Seems that he shaved his head and mustache (left the goatee) for prostate cancer awareness.  So when I saw the picture, I texted to ask if that was recent or if it was an old picture.  He called me then to tell me why he was now completely bald.  LOL  I told him he looked way good like that, and then we chatted a little bit but then he had to get back to work.  Later on, I noticed he was on fb though, so I messaged him.

He asked me if he should be jealous of my "friend" in San Francisco.  I lied and told him no.  But that’s not really a lie.  It’s more like T would be the one who should be jealous of Thurm.  But that aside, I told him that I am just friends with him.  Long story short, when Thurm got home last night, we went back and forth on text.  He called me a player.  LOL  I told him I am nothing of the sort.  (Fuck, but I think was going that route for awhile.)  He said, it’s all good, to which I told him it’s not if he thinks I’m a player.  I told him I don’t need to play games and add all of that to the rest of the drama in my life.  I mentioned that the thought crossed my mind to move back home.  And that’s when he started pushing me away.  UGH!  Anyway… sooo much was said that it’s hard to just put it all into an entry.

I got to a point where I got irritated texting back and forth, so I just called him.  We were able to talk about a lot of stuff.  Got things really out on the table.  Part of what was frustrating was the fact that we originally stated we were just gonna be friends and go from there.  No titles.  Only to find out that in many ways, he was actually thinking things were more exclusive than what was said.  Don’t get me wrong, I was thinking along the same lines.  But then after everything happened last weekend, he pushed me away, pulled the friends card on me, and I distracted myself by going to see T.  After all was said and done, we got back to being the Thurman and Jamie that we were before everything kinda started to crumble.  We are going to hang out tomorrow which I’m super excited about.  But now that I knew where things were going to stand with Thurman, that left me dealing with T.

I woke up this morning, and knew I had to really just let him go.
 

• Hey. I know I should be calling you to talk to you about this over the phone, but I don’t have it in me to do it. So I’m sorry that I’m messaging it to you. I’ll be able to better explain things this way though. First I want to say thank you for being you and for being an amazing friend who has become a meaningful part of my life. Your friendship means so much to me. That’s why

I need to be honest here.

I’m in a bad place right now. You already know that of course. The truth is that my feelings are all over the place. I have strong feelings for you. The problem is that I’m a dumbass and have been talking to somebody else too. Then you throw in the fact that my ex is trying to talk to me, and I’m in a situation that is nothing but a mess. Part of it is my own fault, but now I have to do what I gotta do to make things right. I don’t know exactly what it is that I have to do, but I do know that I need to take a step back. More like 10 steps back from everybody. I need to stop being selfish.

Terrence, I’m so sorry. And if you hate me after this, I totally get it. Knowing you, I don’t think that is going to happen because you are such an amazing man. And because you are such an amazing man, I have to step away right now so that you can find somebody who really deserves your awesomeness. The love and caring that you give is nothing short of amazing.

You deserve sooo much better than me and what I can give right now. No, I’m not saying this because you are too nice or anything like that. I’m saying this because I suck, and I will only bring you down. Just know that I do love you, but I can’t love you the way that you should be loved. I do hope that we can remain friends, but right now, that’s all I can be. Just friends. Trust me when I say this is killing me inside. I’m so sorry.
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READING THAT JUST BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES…I DONT HATE U…AND I WILL ALWAYS WANT U AS A FRIEND…IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW…U DIDNT CARE IF I DATED OTHER WOMEN CUZ U HAD ANOTHER DUDE…

THANKS FOR CUTTING MY EMOTIONAL TIES WITH U BEFORE THEY GOT TOO STRONG TO BREAK…CUZ THEY WERE WELL ON THEIR WAY…I WISH U NOTHING BUT THE BEST IN LIFE…U DEFINITELY DESERVE A GUY IN UR LIFE THAT WILL MAKE U LAUGH…SMILE…MAKE U HAPPY…I THOUGHT I COULD BE THAT GUY…BUT OBVIOUSLY WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE IS NOT ENOUGH FOR YA…

I WILL MISS U…IN EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE…
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Please know that it has nothing to do with what you bring to the table, Terrence. It’s what I know that I can’t bring to the table for you right now. You do make me laugh, smile, and make me happy, but you deserve more than what I can give. This is not the end of our friendship by any means. That to me means more than anything. So no need to miss me. Because we will always have that.
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I WILL MISS THE CLOSENESS…THE WAY U LOOK AT ME…THE WAY U KISS ME…
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Yeah. I’ll miss all of that too. I’m so sorry. So so sorry.
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I GUESS WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE MEMORIES…  (Then he said something else that I won’t be sharing here.  LOL)

So the focus is now on Thurm.  Even if we don’t work out, I know I had to do this.  It wasn’t fair to T at all.  It was fair to Thurm.  It wasn’t fair to me.  I had to stop being selfish.  I know I made the right decision.  As far as Jacob…. OY!  I’ll save that for another entry entirely.  Let’s just say that he is definitely feeling the pain of everything that he did.  I told my therapist that as weird as it may sound, even though I know he wants to come home, I would rather keep that door closed and move on with my life.  I told her that I’d rather work things out with Thurm than with Jacob.  I think it’s in my best interest to just keep moving forward.  Like I said before… no more looking back.