Fight of My Life

Every morning when I wake up, I have to remember and realize all over again what is happening.  It’s a really horrible way to start the day.  This morning when I woke up, I got up and asked Kevin if it would be okay if I stayed a couple of more nights.  He said it would be fine, but come Sunday, it would probably be in my best interest to take on the first night in the apartment alone.  I need to get back into a routine.  So that is the goal now.

After I talked to Kevin this morning, I got ChaCha and headed home to do some stuff.  On the way, I stopped at Cross Fit to talk to Cherry (one of my trainers).  I filled her in on everything.  She is a devout Christian, so it was nice to talk to her and get some encouragement.  I was explaining to her the different options that I have on the table right now.  When I explained the last one which would be to pack up and head back to Nebraska, she stopped me and asked if she could give her opinion.  I of course said yes, and at that point, she told me that I need to fight.  Right now I need to fight for everything.  This is not God’s intention for marriage.  Mine or anybody else.  She talked to me about the verses that say, "In all things God works for the good of those who are called according to His purpose."  She believes that the purpose that I was called to is to be Jacob’s wife, and I have to fight for that now.

I hadn’t looked at it like that.  I had a renewed sense of hope and fight and strength.  So I headed home, threw in a load of laundry, took a shower and actually put on some make up, and headed to the church office to talk to Pastor Kevin.  I wanted to let him know that I’m sticking with my plan to go back to work on Monday and start dealing with life seeing as how it does go on even if Jamie and Jacob don’t.  But I wanted to expand on that plan.  I let him know what I had talked about with Cherry and that I do want to fight.  I can’t just roll over and accept this the way that things stand right now.  After explaining it all to him, he told me that he didn’t see anything wrong with that and there wasn’t anything negative by wanting to fight for a different resolution/ending to this.

After I left the office, I called Rosie, and we decided to meet in Morgan Hill for lunch. I actually called Christy first to see if she wanted to get together for lunch, but she wasn’t free.  We ended up meeting for 30 minute later in the afternoon though.

After all of my running around, I went back to Cross Fit this afternoon and talked to Cherry some more.  I had called Adam earlier and left a voicemail for him about everything that is going on.  He ended up calling me back and I gave him all of the details.  Out of everybody that has been a part of our lives over the past few years, Adam and Jacob have had a connection that I’ve never seen him have with anybody else.  Adam told me to keep fighting.  Don’t give up.  He wants to obviously talk to Jacob and has even gone so far as to say if we aren’t able to get anywhere with him tomorrow when Pastor Kevin and I meet with him (if he’s even here), that he would be willing to fly out here and track down Jacob and spend some one on one time with him for a few days.  He thinks that he can get through to him.  And to be honest, if anybody can, I think it will be him too.  So now it’s a waiting game to see where we get with Jacob tomorrow, again if he even came down tonight like he said he would.

I could call and see if he answers the phone up where he is staying.  I would have my answer then.  But… I kind of just want to wait it out until the morning.  I don’t know if I could handle calling tonight only to find out that he is still there.  Well… let me take that back.  Obviously I could handle it.  I can see that I’m able to handle a lot of shitty situations right now.  I just don’t want to take that one on at this point.

Oh…I also talked to my best friend this afternoon.  Ami.  We have been friends for about 25 years.  Yeah, I’m old enough to have a friend for 25 years.  LOL  She actually recently has gotten divorced, and I knew that if anybody knows what I’m facing right now, it’s her.  Everything she said I would be feeling was right on point.  She reiterated that I just need to hang in there.  Jacob may need some time right now, but when all is said and done, he will likely realize that this decision is not right, and he may at that point come back.  It took her ex-husband about 3-4 months before he realized what he had done and wanted to come back.  By that point, she was actually ready to move on herself though, so decided not to reconcile with him.

But he did come back.  Christy had a similar story about her friend.  Her friend’s husband actually left her for one of his students.  He wouldn’t listen to anyone.  He wouldn’t return anybody’s calls.  He was like a robot and completely stuck in his ways and the decisions he was making at the time.  And while people were telling her friend she just needed to move on, her friend said that she wasn’t going to give up just yet.  She felt that God would tell her when it was time to give up, and He hadn’t done that yet.  6 months later, her husband came back after realizing what he had done.

I feel like God is speaking to me through all of these people in my life right now.  The people that I have carefully chosen to surround myself with.  They each want nothing but the best for me (and Jacob).  And I know in my heart that they wouldn’t ever want to or intend on giving me any false hope.  Knowing that, I really believe that God is using these people to strengthen my resolve to keep fighting.

Oh yeah… I ALSO talked to Papa.  It was hard to break it to him that Jacob has left me as of right now.  He was the one that married us, so I know that it was heartbreaking to hear that we are dealing with this.  He told me that I need to dig down deep and be strong, and he also agreed that at this point there is nothing wrong with fighting for my marriage.  That was enough for me to keep sticking with my plan.

I’ve had one person only try to tell me that while yes I should fight for my marriage, I need to be realistic and know that praying isn’t the answer and I need to forget about God in all this.  That knocked me for a loop.  Everyone around me is so deep and strong in the word, and here this person comes that I have been friends with for several years, and she is trying to tell me to forget about God and just do what I have to do?  Totally took me aback.  I’m not even going to attempt to fight that battle right now, so I told her where I stood and that I would just appreciate her support in my decisions.

So that’s the daily update.  I’ve always meant to come to OD and write more regularly.  It sucks that now that I am, it has to be about this.  =