Or Not

He didn’t come today.  Even he had, I’m not sure it would have been of much value.  Seems his mind is made once again that there is no more Jacob and Jamie.  As of right now, he is determined that our relationship is done.  When I talked to him this afternoon, I apparently said what he perceived to be enough indicators that I was a potential risk to myself.  He called the cops on me. So here I am on the phone with Pastor Kevin yet again, when someone knocks on the door.  Three cops to be exact.

They evaluated my situation and confirmed that I wasn’t a risk to myself as long as I was going to keep talking to Pastor.  I had to call him back while they were there so that they could confirm that he was aware of my needs.  After they left, Pastor Kevin said he was getting ready and on his way over.  I know he says it, but I can only imagine how daunting it is to deal with me right now.  He continues to reassure me that I’m dealing with all of this in the way that is to be expected.  Everything that I’m saying and doing is normal.

We headed to the church office to talk about where things stand now.  Based off of the things that Jacob has been saying today, it was time to begin making some short term plans.  Short term as in for the next couple of months.  Plan A was to get help with my rent from Jacob and whoever else would be able to fill the gaps as much as possible for the time that I’m would potentially be out of work.  Ideally, I really want to go home for a week or two to get away from my surroundings and hopefully clear my head.  I called my boss to update her on the current situation and was nothing short of appalled and disappointed by her response.  Apparently it’s too much to ask that I have more time to get my life straight.  Unless anything changes tomorrow when she talks to HR, I have no choice but to go back to work on Monday.  Ultimately, she has the ability to make this exception.  She simply is too caught up in money and because it rules her life, it must rule the lives of others.  There came a point that I simply got tired of listening to her bullshit and told her "I have to go." several times and then hung up.  She called Leigh and said who knows what about the whole situation.

I have to say that I’m really fucking tired of not having a say as to what is going on in my life right now.  I haven’t had a say about what is happening with Jacob and I, and I don’t have a say in how to cope with it when it comes to taking time to get my head straight.  She seems to think that’s what this week has been about.  She’s sorely mistaken though seeing as how my circumstances seem to be changing from day to day.

So on to Plan B.  Plan B is basically to just dig down deep and pull myself together enough to be at work on Monday.  Pastor Kevin says that although this may not be my first choice, it may not be the worst option either.  I’m hoping this isn’t the plan that I have to go with, but as of right now, I’m not holding my breath.

Plan C.  This is the plan that I’m the most resistant of so far.  Plan C would be to let everything I have here go and move back to Nebraska.  I am definitely the most opposed to this one.  I’m not a kid anymore.  Every time something has gone wrong in my life in the past, I have run home.  I don’t want to do that though.  I’ve never been happy living there.  I always end up moving away again.  So why bother picking up and moving everything I have here back to Nebraska?

I did call my dad tonight.  I haven’t talk to him in I don’t know how long.  I broke down as soon as I saw his name on the caller ID.  I told him everything that is going on, and I know that it probably broke his heart to hear me this way.  He told me though that he would help me as much as he could no matter what my decision is.  So I have his support financially and emotionally.  If anyone knows what I’m going through right now, it’s my dad.  My mom left him when I was 18, and I don’t think she really gave him that much of a choice in the matter.  I asked him if there was any way he could come out here.  Unfortunately, he says he doesn’t have any vacation time right now.  But he did say that if my mom could get time off, he would pay for her ticket so that she could be here with me.  I thought that was pretty amazing.

I called my mom, and she told me that she won’t have any vacation time until after the beginning of next month.  She was going to talk to Bob and see what she could do.  I may be seeing my mom soon, so that gives me something to look forward to I guess.  I’ll have to work while she is out here though, so that completely sucks, but knowing that she is here may make a difference.

So after talking through all these plans and really still not knowing what is happening, I’ve now ended up back over at Kevin & Luann’s.  One of these nights I’m going to have to put on my big girl panties and stay home alone.  I just don’t know when that will be.

While we were at the office still talking, I decided that I should call Jacob to see if he had left and was still coming tonight.  Earlier the plan was that he was still coming if only to tell me face to face that we are done.  Am I a glutton for punishment or what.  I guess in my own way, I want him to see the consequences and hurt that he is causing by making this decision.  It’s only fair right?  Not to mention that he has things that he should be responsible for.  Such as making sure that I have a working vehicle.  I can’t continue driving his mom’s p.o.s. car.  1) It’s not mine.  2) It has no insurance. And 3) The registration on the car has expired.

He needs to make sure that my car is in working order instead of leaving me stranded or expecting other people to help me.  He has a paycheck advance loan out that he needs to take care of as well because that shouldn’t be my problem to pay back.  I’m going to have enough to deal with.  I don’t need to pay his bills too.

Yeah.  Lots to deal with.  So many emotions.  So much to process.  I know there are stages.  I think most people go through them one by one.  I feel like I just keep cycling through them.  Denial… check.  Anger… check.  Bargaining… check.  Depression… check check.  Acceptance… half a check.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  I keep going through each of these.  Over and over and over again.

So after calling Jacob and hoping that he wouldn’t answer the phone (because that would mean that he was on his way), he answered the phone.  And my heart dropped.  He wasn’t coming.  Apparently his aunt had to go back to the hospital to deal with something with Nana, and the plan now is to come tomorrow.  If I have to go back to work on Monday, that means one less day to spend with him.  Don’t get me wrong.  When I say spend a day with him, it’s not like I think that we are going to pull it together during that time.  It’s more about one less day to get the plan in place.  In fact, the thing that sent me over the edge to

day was the fact that his plan was to come down here and talk to me for an hour or so tonight and turn around and go right back the next day.  How in the world is that going to make any difference one way or another?  Okay… I get it…. you don’t want me anymore.  But you still need to take care of my needs in the meantime.  As in my car situation.  Bills.  So on.

After talking to him the last time today though, Pastor Kevin pointed out that I went right back to that state of mind of hopelessness.  We had talked for probably close to 2 hours about the different plans that I could turn to and while I was in tears pretty much the whole time, at least I was considering what my options were going to be for myself.  And then I was right back at square one.

Right now, I need to stop hoping that Jacob is going to come to his senses.  I know that I’m not going to anytime soon, but I know that I need to view this more as a reality that my life as a wife is coming to an end, and my life as a single person is beginning.  I’ll deny it a few hundred more times I’m sure.  Especially after I finally do see Jacob.

Oh yeah… one last thing.  While I was waiting for Pastor Kevin, the Comcast cable guy came to the door.  He was there to basically disconnect the service unless I gave him a check.  Of course I’m falling apart talking to him.  I told him I didn’t know what was going on right now.  I didn’t know if I would be needing cable anymore anyway, and asked if he could come back in a day or two.  He tried to give me the best options as far as the cable bill, but then he dropped that subject altogether and gave me some break-up/relationship advice.  The one thing that he said that did make sense was this… "Why would you want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with you?"

Good question.  I don’t know the answer just yet.