Toxic

Pour out Your love from heaven
Fill me until I overflow
‘Cause I want more
Reach down Your hands from heaven
Pull me closer than ever before
Lord, I want more

 

It has been FAR too long since I’ve written.  I log into OD every day to read my faves, but it has been MONTHS since I’ve had any urge whatsoever to write here.  I’ve gone through a season of no entries, and I’m okay with that.  I don’t regret not writing, and I’ll likely not even attempt to write about what has been going on since my last entry.  What’s the point?  I know what’s gone on over the past several months, and while I’m sure there are some things that would have been worth writing about, I don’t feel that I missed out on that much by not writing.

I’m still at the same job, and up until last week, I felt like I would probably be here for a long time to come.  Yeah… not so much now.  Things kind of spiraled out of control last week.  I was pulled into my boss’ office and basically written up for having a bad attitude and being toxic to the rest of the department.  It really was like a smack in the face.  Other than one other person in this department, I have been here the longest and probably have the most knowledge about the job itself.  I’ve worked and sacrificed so much over the past year only to have people that have been here for less time than I have leap frogging over me into roles that should have been offered to me first.

I can’t say that all things have been bad necessarily.  When the new Director of Customer Service came on with the company, she was looking to me as the next in line.  My supervisor was throwing my name at her left and right.  And I was on the road to growth.  She pulled me and another rep in and asked us to create and implement a QA program for the department as nothing like that was set in place at the time.  I was super excited because I knew this was my time to shine.  This was at the end of July right before I went on vacation and just a little while before our fall busy season.  Things were going my way.  And then I came back from vacation and things had already changed.

Because the busy season had arrived, the QA program got put on the back burner for awhile and OT hours were spent trying to stay on top of all the tickets that were coming in every day.  Come to find out that The Director (as she shall be referred to from here on out) was expecting QA to be implemented in the midst of the busy season.  Guess I dropped the ball on that one, but I wasn’t the only one.  The other guy that was working on the program with me did too.  The problem that I had with the situation was that an actual deadline of what she was expecting was never given to us, and therefore when we didn’t read between the lines for her, we were the ones that were in the wrong and basically screwed up.  *sigh*

In the meantime, the guy that sat in the cubicle across from me was given a small little crap project that he was able to work on here and there, and in her eyes he had the initiative that she was looking for.  He’s now the floor/team lead (aka her lackey).  To be honest though, I can’t say that I’m too sad about NOT being in his shoes.  I think I would probably snap if I was in his position.  I’m not too impressed with what his job has turned into, and as I’m not very good at being a doormat, it’s probably best that I didn’t end up going down that road.

After all was said and done, we all got back on the same page with the QA program.  It was created and implemented in about 2 weeks, and everything has been up and running since October.  Great!  I was actually told that the QA program and whatever role is created because of it would be mine for the taking IF, that is, I basically out performed the other guy that I had been partnered with to get everything set in place.  Lovely.  Looks like The Director is a fan of pitting coworkers against each other to see what she can get them to do for her.  Nothing like creating tension and stress in the workplace.

The program has been going well for the most part.  Last week we were told that we need to be even more picky when it comes to our scoring.  I have no qualms about picking tickets apart if that is what they are looking for.

So where did things fall apart?  I think back, and I’ve come to realize that first of all, I don’t deal well with change.  Of course change is going to happen with a start up company that has done nothing but take off over the past year.  But while I may not deal well with change, I eventually adapt and overcome it.  What I’ve struggled with the most is the micro-managing.  I literally have to watch every word I say and every move I make.  If I don’t have some sort of positive response to everything that happens here, I have to just keep my mouth shut and smile.  I’ve obviously struggled with this as I’m known to let people know what I think, positive or not.  If I confer with any of my coworkers, it’s been made painfully obvious by The Director that it better not be about any negative thoughts or opinions as once one person has a negative thought or opinion we will ALL think the same way.  All venting/negativity needs to be kept to myself or taken straight to management.

Don’t get me wrong.  I understand where ALWAYS having a negative outlook could lead to bad things, but they seriously were indicating that all I was about was being negative and being the bad apple of the department… the instigator so to speak.  It was like a slap in the face.  "If you’re going to be QA, you can’t be like that."  "You are basically like management without the title." "You have a month to get it together."  "If things don’t change or if you revert back to your old ways, you may have to be let go."

DAMN!  Am I REALLY that bad?  Who would have thought that the Christian girl who tries to be friends with everyone would be the most negative person in the department?  LOL  I feel like the whole situation was overly exaggerated.  And thanks to The Director and her little write up, I’ll likely never be anything more than a Senior Rep who happens to do QA.  Who is going to make it into management with a write up on file?  Especially when you have tons of other little minions that are willing to kiss up and agree with everything you say to your face.

The "slap in the face" happened on Friday.  I left early that day because there was no way that I was going to be able to sit in my cubicle and work the rest of the day.  They told me that I can take as much time off as I need before the busy season starts if I need to "find myself" again.  I did mention to her that I realized one thing that I have been doing wrong for aw

hile now.  I told her that I’ve been seeking for acceptance/approval from her and others here at work when in all honesty their acceptance/approval isn’t really what I need or even really want.  Not sure how that sat with her, but the truth of the matter is that I’ve been way to willful when it has come to my relationship with God.  I’m thinking that it all rolls into one as far as the work situation and my supposed toxic attitude.  We’ll have to see where things stand in a few weeks.  I seriously need to update my resume and get ready for the worst case scenario.  Or be proactive and just begin looking for something new on my own.  I’m interested to see how they treat me this next busy season.  It may or may not be the nail in the coffin for this job.

With all that happened last week, I felt myself falling into a state of depression.  I don’t know that I’ve ever truly been there before.  And if anything, I think I’m probably the closest I’ve ever been to what would be considered depression.  It’s a HORRIBLE feeling.  No matter what I did or thought about, I couldn’t/can’t get past it.  I can say that I’m feeling a tad better today, but then I think about my current life circumstances and what is potentially coming my way, and I feel absolute dread.  It’s not just the work situation.  It’s our financial situation.

We can never seem to get on top of things.  We make more than enough to be sufficient.  We try several different things to not be in a constant state of brokeness, yet here we are… BROKE one day before we are supposed to leave for Thanksgiving.  We’ll pull through.  We always do.  But our wiggle room is diminishing more and more each week/month.  I’d really REALLY like to be on top of our budget by the end of the year.  We can’t even begin to think about getting OUT of debt until we can get our budget in check.  I’m determined, and thank the Lord, I’m pretty sure that Jacob is too.  Tough thing is that we are entering into the rainy season now which means that work for the hubby will be slow coming.  I pray that we get rain on weekends only!  LOL

Did I mention that we are being sued for $8000?  LMAO  Jacob was in a car accident on our wedding anniversary actually.  He was at fault, and luckily we have the liability insurance on the car.  Problem is that it is just the minimum amount, and the car he rear-ended was a nice shiny Mercedes that proceeded to run into a tree.  Yeah… that car was totaled.  The other thing is though that the car that Jacob was driving was the Mustang which low and behold is STILL in his mom’s name (including the insurance).  Sooo… I’m thinking that the lady is actually suing MIL and not us directly as it is her car and her insurance.  Not certain on that though, but seeing as how MIL is the one that told US that the lady is suing, sounds like she is the one being sued.  *sigh*  We’ll see what happens.  Obviously we don’t have $8000.  If the law suit is against Jacob directly, I don’t know what we will do.  Maybe file for bankruptcy.  MIL says that payments may be able to be made as well.  And to be honest, it may not even be the lady that is suing.  It may be HER insurance company that is suing since they had to cover additional costs not covered by the liability insurance.  That makes more sense.  Ehhh… like MIL said, "You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip."

But yes, the above situation has added to my stress when I think about everything that has been going on over the past few days.

Jumping back to the work situation… I’ve become very aware of who I talk to around here.  In other words… I’m sticking to myself.  I’m coming to work, doing my job, and going home.  I’m not here to make friends.  It was cool when we were smaller and we could be friends and hang out outside of work, but that dynamic is basically gone.  In fact, I opted out of "Girls Night" this past Saturday for the simple fact that I don’t want anything that I say or don’t say about work used to my detriment at a later time.  It probably wouldn’t be an issue with most of the gals that hang out together, but one of the people is actually my supervisor and just under The Director.  They are thick as thieves these days, and there have already been several times where I’ve said something to her in confidence and it’s gotten back to The Director and come back to bite me later.  Yeah… so I’m gonna stay out of that loop of people until further notice.

Well this is just a "short" synopsis of my life right at this moment.  I’ve definitely started to find comfort by consciously turning my attention and seeking comfort from the Lord.  I’d probably still be a mess if I hadn’t done so, and I do feel better today than I have over the past few days.  I suppose it helps that there is only one more day of work this week and then I’m off for four days.  =)

It’s good to be back here.  I remember now why I loved OD so much before.  A great place to VENT in secret without it coming back to bite me in the patootie later.  Here’s to hoping that I have more to share than just ranting about work.  LOL  Wouldn’t want to be too toxic.

Oh… and if you are feeling the need to do something more for others this holiday, check this out:

Thanksgiving 4 Africa

Alright.  That will do it for today.

Laters,
JamieLynn =)