Sometimes I Just Wonder Why

Why do I have to live with Jacob?  I don’t know what the deal is with us lately, but it doesn’t seem like we can get along at all.  We know better than to fight and argue and bicker.  We talked extensively about the subject yesterday actually.  We both agreed that we get this renewed sense of hope and a clearer outlook on things as soon as we go to church or bible study, but for whatever reason, as soon as we are at home and around each other for any amount of time, it’s only a matter of time before we are tearing each other back down.

Why do we do this to each other?  More importantly, why do I fall into this trap each time?  It’s one thing if Jacob is going to act out against me and be mean and hurtful.  That’s really on him, and trust me when I say, more times than not he’s the instigator.  But that doesn’t mean that I have to respond to his nonsense in such a negative way. And yet I do.  I’m always so quick to make sure that if he’s going to be an inconsiderate prick, then I’m going to do my best to tear him down even lower than he’s taking me.  It’s like the mentallity of, "well if I’m going to go down, you’re going down with me."  It’s really sad.

At this point, I don’t even want to take this trip to Nebraska this weekend.  Knowing us, we’ll end up ripping each other apart during the 24 hour drive and never even make it there.  I feel so broken inside at this point.  I’m tired of being happy and content with my life everywhere else but at home.  That just doesn’t seem right.  I notice that when it comes to Jacob, he’s always nicer to people that are insignificant in his life, whereas those that are closest to him he treats with such ill will.  I know there are things that I need to work on within myself as I sit and point out his flaws.  Such as being able to have the strength in knowing that it’s not necessary for me to react to Jacob when he is being so disagreeable.

I know that in order to overcome all these obstacles in our relationship, that ultimately we need to turn to God for guidance.  But in all honesty, we can’t even really see eye to eye on that subject either.  For whatever reason, Jacob is still stuck on the whole Catholic religion and thinking that it’s the only way to God.  I on the otherhand strongly believe that it’s Christianity in general that leads to my salvation.  Accepting Jesus Christ as my saviour and living my life for him.  Jacob continues to insist that Catholicism is the "best" way.  Maybe for him.  Fine.  Whatever.  But he gives off this sense of the Catholic church being "better" than my church.  My church is a Covenant church, but in a sense it almost seems as if it’s non-denominational.  My church focuses on Christianity as a whole, and that is what is important to me.  In my eyes, the Catholic church and all it’s rules and regulations is a bunch of man-made mumbo jumbo.  No where in the Bible does the word Catholic appear. 

Okay, so I just went totally off subject.  Needless to say, Jacob and I aren’t getting along.  I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of the mean and hateful things that we say to each other in the heat of the fight.  Even when we aren’t really fighting, he tells me to shut up… says that I talk to much… that my voice is annoying.  Reminds me of how my dad was with my mom before she left him.  *sigh*  I don’t want that to be where this goes for Jacob and I.  It’s so important to me that we work through our differences.  He mentioned marriage counceling last night.  Said that they offer it at the church he attends.  I told him, "Oh.  That’s nice.  Did you know Kevin does marriage counceling too?  For free."  

I don’t know what his objection is to my church.  I really don’t.  They are so welcoming to anybody and everybody.  He can’t even say that about his church.  Because while they may be welcoming on the surface, underneath it all, you aren’t really welcome unless you jump through all their hoops first.  I have a hard enough time just making sure that I’m doing my best to stay on the not so straight and narrow path that God has given me.  I don’t need to jump through a bunch of man-made hoops on top of it.

So on top of all this drama with my marriage, I went to order the scrapbook for my mom from scrapblog.  For whatever reason, it’s not letting me order it.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m using my Visa debit card and not a credit card, or what the deal is, but it’s pissing me off to no end.  I worked hard on that book to make sure it got done in time for me to order it and have it shipped by Thanksgiving.  You mean to tell me now that it was all for nothing?  Well screw you scrapblog.  I have less than 24 hours to get pictures together over on snapfish if I want to take advantage of a FREE photobook and FREE shipping too.  I doubt it will happen.  I’ll get the free photobook, just not the free shipping.

I’m meeting with Mirielle tomorrow night for her ESL lesson.  I guess, the other lady who is supposed to be following up after me later on the week, actually saw her today  And in the process of seeing Mirielle, she took it upon herself to jump to not just one lesson, not just two lessons, but three other lessons that are further ahead in the book.  Umm… okay?  I understand that there are some things that should be addressed sooner rather than later, however since there are TWO of us doing these lessons, it would be nice if we could agree on a lesson plan and not just jump around like it doesn’t matter what the other is thinking.  I sent Tapa an email to confirm what day she is going to set to regularly meet with Mirielle.  In her first email she had indicated that she is going to meet with her on Fridays, yet here it is Monday.  And she said she is meeting with her next Monday as well.  I guess if it’s due to holiday scheduling and things of that nature, it’s understandable, but once all is said and done, she really should meet with her later in the week and not the day before I’m about to go and start another new lesson.  That truly doesn’t make sense to me.  Not a lot does these days though.

I really hate being told what to do.  I think that’s why Jacob and I fight so much.  Here it is 12:20 at night, and he is laying here next to me.  I in turn will probably get next to no sleep tonight, because my husband has a fear of the dark.  Yeah.  You read right.  He refuses to sleep without at least the television on.  Well as long as I am in the room anyway.  If he’s alone in a room, and if he can get away with it, he will sleep with every last light on he can find.  He’ll even leave the light on out on our balcony.  Why?  Because supposedly he seems to think that ghosts will leave him alone if the lights are on.

This probably sounds like I’m totally bashing my very own husband.  Well guess what.  I kind of am.  It’s how I feel about things though.  He spends money like no tomorrow.  Anytime I suggest something he throws a fit thinking it’s me trying to control

him.  He bitches at me about anything he can think of only to then turn the arguements that he starts around on me like they’re all my fault.  He always ends up apologizing and saying how he knows he’s wrong and blah blah blah.  It usually lasts about 10 minutes or so before he’s blowing up about something else.  And he sleeps with the light on like a 4 year old little kid because yes folks… he is afraid of the dark.

I’ve realized now after 10 years of different relationships, that I’ve not once been with a normal guy.  Do they make those?  There are a number of reasons why Jacob is the way that he is starting with the parenting that he received during his childhood.  I made it known to him the other day that I lack a lot of respect for both of his parents, mainly his mom for the way that he was raised.  It’s simply unacceptable in my book.  All four of her kids, including Jacob, have some sort of mental issue.  All four of her kids were druggies at some point in there lives (some of them still are).  Her mothering skills were lacking by far, and I made it known to Jacob the other day that I’m thankful that she wasn’t my mother.  Harsh?  Probably.  True?  Definitely.

I don’t know.  Maybe by me getting this all out of my system, I’ll be able to move forward in a more positive light.  Even here on my own diary, I tend to put on the fake happy smile like everything in life is just hunkydory.  Well guess again.  It’s not.  I go to church.  I love God.  I live for Jesus Christ.  He is my saviour.  Yet I can’t even pull it together enough to get along with my own husband.  I’m pathetic.  It all comes down to the fact that I’m probably not doing enough in strengthening my relationship with God.  Because if I had a strong relationship with Him, I would know better than to call my husband every hurtful name in the book just to make sure that he feels worse than I do when all is said and done.  In all honesty though, I’ve come to realize that I probably still end up feeling worse than Jacob because now I have to live with the fact that I’m so utterly and completey far from God right now.  If I was close to God I wouldn’t even begin to THINK about being so malicious toward Jacob.

I know what I’ve got to do.  So why don’t I do it?  *sigh*  I’m going to bed.  Well I’ll try to go to bed.  Hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep with flashing television and all.  I really need to get a sleep mask.

Night.

JamieLynn =