Hair Removal

All hair removal methods have tricked many of us with their promises of
easy, painless removal – The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now…COLD
WAX

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Fix dinner, clean up
dinner, chatted with the hubby, played with the kids. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
Maybe I should take some time for myself, hubby’s home he can tend to
the   kids and I can get the wax out of the medicine cabinet and pamper
myself.
I’ve been waiting to try this new WAX method……….Supposed to give
you a  baby smooth appearance………
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those
cold  wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in  your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to
your  leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No mess, no fuss. How
hard  can it be? I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.
YA  THINK ???
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together I get the bright idea
to  use the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end
(Oh how  this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it
wasn’t  too bad. I can do this! I AM WOMAN – I CAN DO THIS…………….
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward
body  hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move
north.

After checking on the kids and hubby, I sneak back into the bathroom,
for  the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place
one  foot on the toilet, hold my boobs back so I can see down there, with my
free  arm. Using my other free hand I used the same procedure by applying the
strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half
of  my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. Me being
short  it wasn’t a long strip – thank-god!!!!!!
I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I’m blind!!! Blinded from the pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! What the
hell  have I done – I think I just ripped everything out down there – I bet I
even  have a toe-nail or two……..
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half of
the  strip.
SHIT!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do  I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy –
A wax  covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain,
sticking  to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair? WHERE IS
THE  WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down – still holding boobs so I can see, foot
still  perched on the toilet.
I see the hair…The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. SHIT!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake……………….remember my foot is
stillperched on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my
foot  down. DAMN!!!!!!!! NOW WHAT HAVE I DONE?????
YOU GOT IT — Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think  to myself "Please don’t let me get the urge to poop……………
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can
stand  into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax
should  melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to
sterilize  surgical equipment – I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is
having  them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In
scalding hot  water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So now I am stuck to the bottom of the tub!! Thank goodness I took the
cordless phone with me in the bathroom!!!!! I call my best
friend/sister-in-law knowing she’s waxed before and has some secret of
how  to get me undone. Now this is good – YEAH – it’s a very good
conversation  starter, "So how ya doing? WELL funny reason I’m callin ya, my butt and
who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slightpause. She doesn’t have a secret trick but does try
to  hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located on bottom. "Are we talking cheeks, hole or what?" She’s
laughing out  loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I
call  the number on the side of the box.
YEAH RIGHT!!!!!
THEN — I should be the joke of someone else’s night while we go
through  various solutions.
I DON’T THINK SO…………..
I am thinking I am going to have to resort to scraping the wax off with
a  razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot  wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry
shaving  the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I
slip  into glazed donut land. My sister-in-law is still talking with me and
my  hand reaches towards the saving grace….the lotion they give you to
remove  the excess wax. NOW I may be onto something – maybe – just maybe this
will  work……………What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub
some  on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids, alerted my hubby that something was
awry,  scared the dickens out of my sister-in-law, but at this point I really
didn’t care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulations from
my  sis and she hangs up.
I hear my hubby outside the bathroom door – Honey everything okay in
there?   OH Yeah — fine – fine – I’m fine – I’ll be out in a few minutes.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief  and pair………………..THE HAIR IS STILL THERE………..ALL OF  IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off, ALL OF IT – IT HAS TO GO……………
Heck, I’m numb at this point. BY this time I’m feelin lucky – I think
I’m  going to try coloring my hair next……