Dear You,

September 3, 2012

Dear you,

Your daughter starts preschool tomorrow. She will go five days a week for about three and a half hours. She will be wearing a burgundy polo shirt, tan skirt, white socks, and white shoes. Her hair (which is cut short by a mom home haircut) will be pulled up on the sides and meet at the top for a little ponytail to keep her hair out of her eyes. Hopefully this week she will start with her speech therapist as well. She loved Miss Julie but since she is in school it will be up to Mrs. Clevenger to complete the process. Thankfully she has become much more understandable.

Your daughter has come a long way from the little preemie who we were afraid for (well my family was but I was just anxious to get her out of that place). If you didn’t realize it she came into the world at thirty-six weeks and one day gestation; I had a partial placental abruption that could easily have killed one of us. When she was born she tried her hardest to call you; her cries could be heard all the way down the hall as they hurried her to the NICU. She spent the first fifteen days of her life not knowing sunshine or fresh air; her biggest trip was down to the lab for more painful tests. It was a week before I was allowed to hold her but you should know that pain; its been almost five years and you STILL haven’t seen her in person much less held her.

I named her Madelyn; I know how you feel about the unusual spellings and maybe that was my way of spiting you. You wanted the name Natalia but I couldn’t swallow that; I was willing to go with Natalie but somehow when your phone quit working it became Madelyn when I was looking up names one night. Eventually she will know that you had some say in her name but then again maybe Tammy did too since she gave me the baby name book I fell asleep reading countless nights.

She will know you exist somewhere in the world. I put the baby orangutan you gave me on that zoo trip in the box with her turkey and her pig from the NICU. One of these days I’ll put a photo of you in there too but it is still in my book from the DC trip (by the way you’re welcome!). Someday I’ll show her my first belly shot from the top of little big top. I think I’ll give her that album someday along with the photos of yours I accidentally got of your family when we copied your card.

As for her health she has been fairly healthy for a four year old. She got both of our allergies as well as your rib cage deformity I don’t think she got your reversed organs or they would have found that when she had all of the chest x-rays as a newborn. She has your ears (which I said I didn’t want!) and she has your brown eyes which make her a little heart breaker. She’s been through hell in terms of development though. She has trouble with her speech to this day and started off with a physical delay that was diagnosed at nine months but cleared up almost fully by 24 months. Thankfully I was referred to first steps and got some excellent therapists who saw her through until she was three and even then she continued with FWCS until I jumped through their hoops to get her into preschool.

As for me and Hannah we have given up a lot for her. Hannah almost didn’t have me at her first school recital because I had to get my staples out. I’ve had a hard time finding a job because I had to be flexible enough to work with therapists and things. I did finish my master’s degree at TSU but that is all I have managed to do thus far because I have spent my life working for my girls. I don’t regret this at all. I want to be there for them. I go without new things that I need or could use and I can’t remember the last time I used an entire birthday present on myself but that doesn’t matter either (although you KNOW how much I love presents!). because I get all of the little smiles and hugs all to myself. I get to hear her pride in herself when she writes the first letter of her name. I get to walk her to the bus for the first time tomorrow and watch with motherly pride as she climbs the big steps of the school bus for the first time. Its mine all mine SORRY FOR YOUR LUCK LOSER!

Cordially,

Jennifer