Stay Strong [Trigger Warning?]

My Dearest Readers,
And my most dear, of course.
There is a whole lot on my mind tonight and I feel like I should tell you about it. Fair warning this is NOT going to be a happy entry in the slightest and it might require a trigger warning for some. If you are weak hearted or easily triggered, please don’t continue reading.
You’re too stubborn not to read this, so please…PLEASE…don’t judge me. I know you won’t but…It’s….NOT easy for me to write this out.
I’m sure the ones who give this the most thought will be the ones who are close to me, the ones who know me outside of opendiary. To those of you who will want to worry or confront me, please don’t. It’s not easy for me to write this out…at all. So all I ask is that you don’t judge me for any of the following post.
Just so we’re clear, I would talk to you directly about this…but I’m afraid to.
I haven’t been talking to anyone about this because I feel like everyone else has more important things to deal with right now.
Including you.
Don’t get me wrong, though…This isn’t an all the time thing…like yesterday was just a really great and happy day.
I was…SO SO SO…happy. I probably sounded high to you.
Here we go, readers, The inside of my brain for today, tonight, and little moments all week.
Here’s where you want to stop reading, Love. I know you’ll continue, though.
Well, It started like this. So this morning I woke up at 10 after not being able to fall asleep until after 5:30am. I was supposed to do things today, yes? Okay, so I woke up and I just felt awful. I had an over powering need to cry. My body hurt, my head hurt, my heart ached. I don’t know what was wrong. Not at all. I fell asleep in such a good mood. Where did all this negativity come from? Well, Anyway, I went back to sleep because I was in a "fuck this shit, I can’t handle life right now" sort of mood. I woke up about 50 times but I decided to finally get up at around 2:30.

I wanted to skype call you but I’m a wuss and I didn’t want to cry in front of you…You were probably busy anyway.
Well, I missed three calls from SuperNova, 5 or 6 instant messages from Peach, and A message from Protector asking if everything was okay. I messaged Protector back asking why, Peach wanted me to come over but that part comes later, and I talked to SuperNova for a few minutes. Nothing super important was going on with Nova, he’s a different story anyway. I got another message about this time from someone I’m going to refer to as… Layter. Layter asked me how "everyone" was meaning me and Okami. While I was typing my response to Layter, I got simultaneous messages from Okami and Hacker. This may not seem weird to any of you, but it was to me.
Obviously speaking, you know who is who. Did you see what I did there with Layter? DID YOU?!???!??!?!??!?!?!!?!?!
So, I’ve been awake for roughly 20 minutes, three people are concerned as to where I am and how I’m doing, and I am…still feeling like…well, it obviously isn’t a good feeling.
This is another part where I desperately wanted to reach out to you but I’m too stubborn and far too weak.
Protector just wanted to make sure I was okay because, like me, he had an awful feeling about today…like something bad was about to happen. Layter got offline before he even saw my response. Hacker and Okami were together and just wanted to know what I was up to and what was going on with me. Peach and Hipster came to get me later and I’m currently at Peach’s.
<span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">I’m glad I’m here but I feel so weak.
So, By this point you are probably sitting there like "There is nothing triggering about this post" Not to worry, I haven’t gotten that far yet.
I really do want you to stop reading here, love, what follows…isn’t going to be pretty.
This is just how today has gone with all of the strange little happenings that probably mean nothing to anyone.
Here we go…Brace yourself.
So, I mentioned more than once a trigger warning, yes?
I don’t know if you know this about me or not…
Okay, I know that I’m not as bad off as some people, and I know that I don’t have any really serious problems going on right now but that doesn’t mean I’m okay all the time. This is…really hard for me to admit and to write. Okay. I don’t feel the need to make this a friends only post so if you stumbled across this you may just want to turn and leave my page now.
I am okay, don’t worry.
It would be a lie if I were to tell you I was okay right now.
I am okay, really.
Some of you know this about me and some of you don’t but..I suppose you could call me a cutter. It has been a while for me, though. maybe 8 months? maybe a little longer. The feeling of wanting to cut never really goes away, though. Sometimes it is easier to deal with than it is other times. I feel so weak. I’m trying so, so very hard to keep my self in check. I’ve been doing good, really. I can’t help but want to see my own blood at the end of a blade in my hand.
Okay, I’m not okay. Don’t worry, I’m stronger than the need to cut.
I know who I am better than anyone else, so please don’t judge me. I feel very weak. I feel useless and worthless and overall just…hateful. I’m stronger than the need to cut. I can feel myself breaking under all of this pressure but I’ve done good so far. You can’t help it once you’ve started. The pain becomes addicting. It just makes you want to do it again…and again. I had a bad moment a couple months ago where I really came close but I some how or another managed to make it out without having to cut. Do you have any idea how much pain it takes for you to want to redirect it in to something physical? something permanent?
I am just shy of insane sometimes, or at least I feel that way.
I cannot take this anymore. I have no idea where this feeling came from…not this time anyway.
You’re probably worried by this point.
I can’t help but want to leave another scar in my collection. Some people punch walls, doors, trees… Some people just scream. This is one of my outlets. You really can’t understand it unless you have been there. You don’t understand the feeling of someone brushing up against your cuts and having to hold in a tear or a sigh so that they won’t notice. You don’t understand the way you need to release all that is going on inside of you. The feel of the blade against you is almost comforting in a way…

I can’t remember how I was originally going to phrase most of this.

I just want to make this feeling go away.
You don’t need to worry, really.
Some of this is probably being caused by all of this "cutforbeiber" nonsense going on. There have been a FUCKLOAD of triggers around. Oh SO many triggers. It makes me so mad that little girls are going around saying that they are going to cut themselves if Justin Beiber doesn’t stop smoking pot. What the fuck, even? I don’t care how this started, or whatever, all I know is that it needs to stop and it needs to stop now. What these little girls don’t realize is that the feeling you get after you’ve cut yourself…the relief mixed with pain and euphoric-emotionlessness…becomes addicting very easily. (As I said before, I’m not as bad or bad off as some, but that doesn’t make this any less serious)
I don’t need help from anyone who isn’t already a friend. And I’m trying to reassure you, probably to no avail, that I am, indeed, okay.
There have also been a lot of cut posts on tumblr and, well, everywhere lately. I don’t know who decided to put triggers everywhere but it needs to stop.
PLEASE Stop worrying now…
I’m probably rambling at this point…
And You are the only one who has permission to come to me and question me about any of this, feel special.
I can’t shake this feeling…this need.
I love you, just…so much.
I had a whole lot more to say but I think I’m going to leave it here for tonight. If you’re going to judge me, your comments are not needed here. I’ll be back to my normal happy, lovey, bubbly self by tomorrow. I promise.
I need you.
I would be saying a lot more, really…but I’m not quite sure how anymore. My words become jumbled between my brain and my keyboard. I’m now talking in circles.
I don’t want to put this need on anyone because I know that if I break they will feel responsible. You mean a lot to me.
I might just go back and delete this post…Or I might make it so only I can see it. We shall see.
No worries, Love, You have more important things going on anyway.
Thank you so very much for reading through this whole post, and don’t worry about me. This is something that I can handle. It is simply a passing feeling.
I have run out of things to say to you so I’m just going to say Kay Three and continue not to tell you what it means.
My Dearest Readers, I love you and good night.
Speaking of Kay Three, DO you know what it means?
~♥EmieLove♥~
P.S. In case you missed it, there is actually a message for you between each and every line. I thought that it might distract you from the point of this whole post. Plus I love our secret little messages that no one else can see. They make me feel our connection more.