Father Of Mine, Tell Me: Where Have You Been?

 My Dear Father,

I know that this letter is far, far over due, but I just couldn’t write until now.  I need you to know how much I miss you. I mean, I know that I can easily write you or text you…but I still don’t know if I want you in my life. I just…I need you in my life. I know that. I’m just afraid that things will go back to being exactly what they were before you left. I can’t handle that. I need a change. I’m getting older, you know. I see the things I didn’t see back then. I’m not masked anymore, Dad. I can see the truth.  I can see all of the wrong things that you were doing before you left, and I can see the way you’ve changed my entire life. I can see all the pain you caused, all of the negative things that are your fault. I can see your immaturity, you not taking responsibility for your own actions, and the fact that you are still living in the past. You can’t get past the fact that we left you. Mom tells me more than she’s told many people. I just…I want you to come home. Dad, I need you. It’s been far too long. I want you to be here to see my last year of high school. I want you to be here for what’s left of my childhood. I want you to come to my graduation, like you didn’t do for my sister. I want you to see Jonny through school. I want you to clean up your act and be the person we all need you to be. Who you need to be for yourself. I want you to stop being selfish and see that you still have a family that loves you. That needs you. I can’t help but feel like most of the problems, ticks, and anxiety issues I have are stemming from things that you did. You don’t know how much pain you’ve caused us all. I want you to know all of this, but mostly I want you to come back home. I want to know you like I used too. I want you to be a big part of my life. The part of my life a father should be. I don’t think you’ll ever know how hard it was for me to spend almost all of my teen years being raised without a father. Do you even think about us anymore? I never stop thinking about you. I want you to meet Alistair. I want you to be the over protective father that I’ve always needed. I know you can’t do any of that for me, but I know you can at the very least be here for me. Some of the things I want to say to you are best described in the form of lyrics: "It’s been a long hard road without you by my side, why weren’t you there on the nights that we cried? You broke my mother’s heart, you broke your children for life, it’s not okay but we’re all right. I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes but those are just a long lost memory of mine, and now I’m writing just to let you know I’m still alive." I can’t even send you this letter, Dad. I can’t. You’ll just deny half of it, and the half you don’t deny you won’t even pay attention to. I hope you know that I still love you. I’ve had every chance in the world to hate you forever, but I forgive you for everything. I don’t care about what you have done. That’s all in the past now. Right now I just want my daddy to come home. I feel like a weak little child. Writing this letter makes me remember all of the little things about you that hurt me as a kid. This reminds me of all of the reasons why I could hate you. It reverts me back to the scared little girl you used to spend time yelling at just because you have anger issues. It reminds me of all of the times you should have forgiven me for the little things. It reminds me of all the times you’ve called me a dumb ass, bitch, or a miserable pain in the ass. It reminds me of all of the times I wanted to run away just so I wouldn’t have to be near you anymore. It reminds me of the night I saw you cry because you were sitting in a freezing cold house because you were too much of a dead beat to pay the electricity bill. It reminds me of when you said I was exactly like you. It reminds me of the night you made me steak and CaraLayah corn at like 1:30am cause you were up and we were hungry. It reminds me of every time you banged on the wall or floor to get us to shut up. It reminds me of all of the Christmases we argued about who had to go wake you up. It reminds me of the years we used to watch all of the Disney Halloween movies together. It reminds me of all of the times I hid in my room because you were drunk off your ass and screaming at all of us. It reminds me of the time you had to drive me to a 5th grade chorus performance and me and Jonny were in the back seat crying because you were speeding and swerving and driving drunk. We didn’t know you were drunk back then though, we just knew that you were driving over the line and you were scaring Mommy. It reminds me of all of the times you screamed at my mom over the stupidest little things. It reminds me of all of the times you screamed at us. It reminds me of that one time where I ran up behind you and hugged you around the neck causing you to spill your beer everywhere. You said it was okay, but then you were screaming about it. It reminds me of the mark you have between your eye brown from being so angry for so long. It reminds me of all of the traits of yours I see inside my brother. He is twice the man you ever were, and I hope he grows up to be more like mom. I don’t think mom could handle it if there were two of you in her life. She misses you, you know. She cries about it sometimes. She still loves you, she just wants you to come home. Just like I want you to. My mom and I are the only two who can forgive you. You should know that. I have a big heart, and the ability to forgive, because my momma raised me right. She is the one who taught me not to be like you. I carry some of your traits with me, and I’ve been noticing it more and more recently. I don’t know who you are anymore, daddy. You aren’t the person you were when I was 13. Who are you? I don’t know if I can even call you father anymore, but I do. I’m sorry that I have to mention the bad things, but I feel like if I don’t, you’ll never see it. I’ll never be good enough for you. I don’t know why I think like that, but…I don’t think I’ll ever be who you want me to be just as you’ll never be who I need you to be. I’m sorry. Daddy, I MISS YOU. I know I don’t say it as often as I should, but I love you, I really do. And I hope you know that right now memories are flooding back to me. The time I went with you to Mark’s house and you called me the puppy master. The time I got a shirt that said "Daddy’s Little Angel". The time I was listening to Emotionless by Good Charlotte and Just Like You by Three Days Grace as loud as I could on repeat and singing every word just hoping that you would hear the words and not just the song. The times I went to work with you. The time I was so mad at you because I missed the winter dance because you were drunk. The time you couldn’t drive and I had to walk two miles with you to the foodlion and two miles back. It reminds me of the night I found out you were in jail for a DUI. God, there is just so much. I always had one goal: to make you proud. I always wanted to be a daddy’s girl, but you never gave me a

chance. In a way, you’ve been pushing me away for my entire life. There was a point in my life where i was just straight-up afraid of you. None of this matters anymore, Dad. All that matters right now is that I miss you so so so much and I want you to come home. Somewhere in my heart there is the little girl you left behind reaching out for you. That part of me still believes you can be a good person and be there for me. JUST COME HOME! Please. I can’t be without you anymore. I have learned a lot from you, though, so I guess I have to give you that. This is all that I know how to type for now. I’ll consider writing you again soon. Even though you’ll never see this letter to begin with. 

That’s all I wanted. 

I love you, Daddy. 

I hope that I will see you soon. It’s been far too long.

Love always, 

~♥EmilieCristine♥~