7/12/05

I’m taking a mental health day. At 7:30 last night, I made sure the girls had enough food and water and grabbed my bag and came to my safe place – Max’s house. Where everything is quiet and clean and comforting and I can cuddle up with Sammy dog if I want to.

When I drove here, I was thinking about what makes me happy. Specific instances where I am content and unhindered and satisified with my life and the world.

When I’m driving on the interstate and the traffic is light. When I’m jogging or biking with my radio and listening to 104.5. When I’m writing (typing). When I wake up and it’s raining. When I’m in the water, be it a shower, bath, lake, pool, or ocean. When I talk to Chris and she tells me that she understands. When I’m cuddling with Max and he kisses my forehead. When I’m looking at engagement rings or wedding dresses online and I know that it won’t be too much longer before I will be SERIOUSLY looking at these things. When Max cooks for me and we set the table and sit down to eat. When I’m working with clay and I can feel it, cool and slippery, yielding to me beneath my hands. When I’m eating a strawberry-vanilla twist cone from Frosty Freeze. When Kiara and Kiley curl up on me and fall asleep. When I’m at the cottage. When Max is driving and I’m just dazing and we don’t have to talk and it’s not uncomfortable or awkward silence. When a thunderstorm wakes me up in the middle of the night. When I’m at a bar and good music (live or canned) is playing. When I get unexpected hugs. When I’m with Max’s family. When I’m hanging out with my mom and Aunt Anne. When I get mail (snail or e-mail). When I’m watching arts and crafts shows on HGTV and I want to do EVERYthing that I see.

But how are all of these moments going to come together to make a life for me? How are these times of happiness going to help me work through the feelings of inferiority and awkwardness and uncertainty?

This is something I do not yet know…