Is this goodbye to country?

These waves are so suffocating – they rip me from any form of happiness or even mild contentment and fling me to the ground, screaming, “You are a horrible, horrible person and you deserve nothing from this world.”  And then the waters settle and I am floating again, bobbing and gasping for air.  The breathing steadies and the temperature stabilizes, and, for a few minutes, I am okay.  I can really get into my Harry Potter books or enjoy a good meal at Tabbert’s with the work crew or feel okay with being alone.  But then that gun is held up to my head again and I am forced to my knees, sobbing as I surrender.

“…but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees.”

Last night, I stumbled across a website about suicide.  It’s kind of a “to whom it may concern” letter that gently asks the reader to step back and think about whether or not they really want to kill themselves.  It’s a great page – I don’t know who wrote it, but they deserve countless thanks.  There was a line about how we become suicidal when the pain and the confusion become stronger than the coping skills that a person has.  That’s exactly how I feel right now.  I do not have the resources, the solutions to make life worth living again – I am just trying to get up in the morning and not take that stupid Swiss Army knife to my wrists. 

It’s good I have a visit with the psychiatrist tomorrow – I’ll show him my cut-up arm and ask him to increase my medication.  I need to get better for me, for Mark, for my family, for my friends.  Because while I may WANT to kill myself, I am already killing them.

And guilt is such a slow, silent death for me – and it is so painful… 

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June 16, 2004

“and I lack the resources to cope” Jenni, you don’t lack the resources to cope. You have your friends that have been there for you throughout… you have a family that cares for you enough to get you help. You are surrounded by support, no matter how much you think you’re alone. I’ll sit down and listen to you anytime…. but the resource is only good if it is used.. Hang in there.

June 17, 2004

i know how you feel and it’s never easy…there are people who care about you and even if you feel they won’t listen to you and won’t understand, they will…it will get easier…let people help you

June 19, 2004

I care about you, Jenni. ~Elizabeth