10/11/03

Shedding tears over this quiet metamorphosis that is taking place in my life because it means pain. It means the pain of transition and of goodbyes, the pain of change and of new beginnings.

But nothing good ever came without some precursor of pain. I did not expect to sweep through the cleaning and the packing and the signing and the farewells without feeling some murmurings of the heart. To do so would be inhuman.

It is what I have to do. It is nothing of how I expected my life to be at 19 and 1/2, not at all. But if I have learned anything from the people in my life, especially Jen, it is that you cannot let anyone else define who you are. You cannot follow hopes, dreams, and wishes of others, because you will only end up with shattered memories and bleedings hands.

Jen, you have been, in part, a huge inspiration to me in the monumental decisions I have made as of late. But you have no idea, do you? I did not expect you to. 🙂 I think of you as my silent muse, and perhaps I should have come forth earlier with this gratitude. But these sweeping changes have sprung up so suddenly that I have been caught off guard by them – it has been the ultimate struggle to stay on my feet.

And I have, with helping arms and shoulders of friends and family. They are my crutches when the critics attempt to kick me legs out from under me.

Independence is such a difficult concept to define and I have found that I have had to radically change my idea of it. It has done a complete 360, been turned inside out, and stood on its head.

You have no idea.

1, 2, 3, fuck it. 😉

I am going to try this.