Thoughtful ramblings

*To anyone who is sick of me writing about this, too bad. This is part of my healing. This is part of what helps me feel better.*

Waves. Coming and going. Broad expanses of time with serenity and good memories. Crashing waves of sudden sickness and the gut wrenching thought of no more good memories.

I have gone from hysterical crying to thinking. I am thinking, logically, calmly, rationally.

I’ve looked up the numbers for places to help me get better. I’m keeping busy and keeping “up” and reminding myself that people still love me and care about me.

Even he does. He stayed with me for six hours last night…probably saving my life.

I’m allowing myself to cry when I need to, call as many people as I want to, and being “selfish,” if you know what I mean.

I’m not moving on or “getting over” him. I am putting myself in a better frame of mind. Because I am still keeping the option open of getting back together. Logically, though, not emotionally. Not “hopefully,” not in a pathetic way, I’m just keeping my options open.

Because time moves and time changes us all. And tomorrow could be the best day of my life. I never know what’s around the corner. I know what corners I have passed and I know how wonderful they are. I just cannot let this end me.

Yet by saying that, my heart sinks. It is my acceptance. And I’m not quite ready for that. I’m still kissing him and driving with him and talking with his sister and walking at night with him. It’s such a confusion.

How lonely college is…how very lonely.

I will NEVER stop loving you. I will not lose you as my best friend because you mean too much to me. Your friendship makes me a better person. I want you to always be there for me.

Can you promise me that? Please?