9/30/02

It’s one of those über-weird Mondays. I had class from 11 until 3:15, then I studied from 3:30 to 5. Mitch and I had dinner and now I’m using his computer while he studies for his Chemistry test. I’ve got an African Writing Workshop at 7:15, which should last until about 8. I have to miss Choir to go to it, and I told Bev that I would come to Humanities after the workshop, but I don’t think I’m going to make it because I want to talk to Scheub one-on-one about the essay. Especially the challenge aspect. I won’t miss much in Union – I don’t really like the class all that much, so I’m looking for an alternate one for next semester. After I’m done at Bascom, I’m spending the rest of the night studying for my Spanish test tomorrow.

Normal day, huh? Not at all. It all appears to organized and prioritized on the outside, but inside, I’m this big jumble of emotions and anticipation. I worry that I might forget to do an assignment or oversleep and miss a class. I worry that I’m wasting my parent’s money because I don’t know what I want to major in (true, I AM just getting my gen. eds done, but…) and that I’m “falling behind” everyone else. I feel shallow and unfocused and unintelligent and worthless.

It’s a hard situation to fully describe. You would have to be IN my brain to completely understand it. But, then again, I don’t even totally understand it. So I guess that point’s mute.

Now I’m off to study. To try to find some importance in all of this. I can’t be sure I’ll find any. But I’d love to. I would give ANYthing to find my purpose in this messed up pile of cells I call my life.

It’s so bizarre.