7/6/2002

Stir crazy. That’s me. It’s the only way to describe how I feel at this moment.

I love time. How it can move in such random ways. How days can seem like seconds and how an hour can take forever. It’s beautiful and wonderful, although it can be horribly frustrating. Like it is right now.

Logically, I should sleep. Knowing my sleep habits, I could knock off 12 or so hours. But instead, I stay up. I’m watching wonderful old music videos and incredible new ones. I’m planning and plotting and counting and figuring.

I “get” four things when he gets back – and I’m looking forward to every single one of them. They are not material things, they are actions, emotions, words, shared understandings.

Why do I write so differently at night than I do during the day? I become more poetic, darker, rougher around the edges (yet softer, ironically…). The black of the sky becomes my friend. Or my enemy – it all depends on an intricate balance of factors.

I thought him coming home would be a return to normal. And then I realized that nothing will really ever be normal again. Not the “normal” I’ve lived for 18 years. This summer is not like any of the others and it will continue to be that way.

That scares me a little bit, it keeps me up at night. But I’m trying to just clench my fists and smile. It’ll all turn out for the better.

Optimism can be hard at times. Likewise, trying to figure out what is selfish and what is not is another very hard part of life. In this relationship, I’m slowly learning when what I ask for is too much. And how to ask for more when it’s right.

Winging it, “1, 2, fuck it…”, whatever you call it, I’d just like to say, for the record, that

I HAVE NO BLOODY CLUE WHAT I’M DOING!

Just like all of you. 🙂 ‘night!