10/10/01 (part 2)

How fucking frightening. To be so overwhelmed, so unhappy, so completely miserable that you get to that point again. And to be able to bounce back five minutes later. Incredible? Or crazy? I don’t know. That’s the big problem. I just don’t know. How to explain “it,” or even what “it” is. I think if I could…oh, but that’d just be WAY too easy. Nope, this has to be hard. Why? Oh, to show me that I really don’t have anything to complain. Hmm, hell of a wakeup call. It’s like that stupid couple in CO. Thanks for the enlightenment, people. I feel really bad for having a problems, for being depressed. I think I’m going to just spend the rest of my life pretending to be happy beacause if I ever show my unhappy side to you, wow. You’ll just yell some more. And I’ll just be back at the beginning…a circle. Who said life was a circle? Chris? No, Steph said the half a circle thing. Looking for your other half circle. Well, I’m a square. And I don’t think I can really fit with a half circle. So I’m fucked.

That’s a fun word. It’s so very descriptive. It can be a verb (“Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”), an adjective (“That’s so fucking stupid”) and many other parts of speech. 🙂 And that was my random moment of the day.

It’s the 10th. Which means it will soon be the 15th. Yucky. Irony of it all? We have our choir concert that day. (Watched “Market Woman” the other day…damn, that sounded good…and Jenny remembered the beat!) I don’t know. Another random thought.

What else…my brain just doesn’t follow ANY sort of path. There’s always some music or SOMEthing running through my head…it was “The Magnificent Seven” today! Thanks for telling me the name, Jay.

But then it 6th hour, after the announcement, music was the last thing I wanted in my head.

Speaking of music, I’m almost definitely NOT going to NYC with Spots. I just don’t know if I can handle that. My mom said I could “blame” it on her, if I wanted. Do I want to? Do I always want to be using her as my scapegoat (with her permission)? Or do I just admit it…tell them I’m too scared to go? “And miss out on one of the best times of your life.” Right. It’s 7 months away. And I probably won’t deal with it for another 5. Well, wait. There’s the whole notary meeting in two months or so. So I WILL have to deal…I will have to decide.

And probably regret it? Oh, of course. What would my life be without regret?

But we won’t go into that. That’s just too deep right now. And this entry is already obscenely long (ooh, obscene is another good word!).

In the words of Shane, “Peace out, Girl Scout.”