falling faster

I’d forgotten how much I am like you. I’d forgotten that you jumped when I did.

I’m sorry that I did. I’m sorry that I forgot you couldn’t deal with it either and that you couldn’t tell me. Just like I couldn’t tell you.

I’m sorry we both had to figure it out this way, such an impersonal situation.

I’m not done falling yet. I think I’m still inches and feet and miles and minutes and hours and years away from hitting bottom. So close…

Are you done? I want you to hit bottom.

Yes? Yes. So you can come back to the top. Please fall a little more quickly, please. Go through hell. So you can make it to heaven.

I know you don’t think you’ll wind up on those impossibly white clouds. I don’t think I will. I’ve done too many things that can’t be taken back, rewound, erased, deleted. But you’re so much better than me.

And falling faster.

But I still know how much I am like you. I know that when I cry, you wonder why your shoulder is wet. Because you don’t think you can cry on your OWN shoulder.

I know that when I laugh, your smile is just as big.

And when I break down and lash out and can’t find anything in this world beyond the trivial, impersonal things to hold onto so tightly, I know your fingers are slipping away from the same things.

I lean on you and you lean back and we keep each other upright and we keep each other alive and we keep each other down.

I bring you down and keep you there.

You don’t do the same to me but you do.

And we see it and we cry and apologize and it never gets resolved.

I wonder why we are so alike. Why two people should suffer like we do. Why two people should be host to such demons.

They’re there, aren’t they? You feel them too, right? Clawing, scraping, breaking us down. Piece by piece.

“Ashes to ashes, you broke down, and I picked up the pieces…”

I know you’re picking up my pieces. I just can’t seem to find you. So I’m lacking quite a bit. I know you hate who you are. Because I hate who I am. *smile* Does that bring happiness? No, not really. It brings comfort because it erases solitude. Not really. You have enough purity and charisma and wisdom and sensitivity left (and are gaining more each day) to make it through the black night.

Mine is gone. And so I fall so much more slowly.

You will hit bottom before I do and you will spring back to the top with an alarming speed.

And I will still be falling…ever so slowly…alone.

And eventually, I will just stop. And there will be no resolution. There will be no bouncing back.

*checks pulse*

I’m gone…