Maybe I’ll just quit

Would the person who left the massive amount of notes on my OD this afternnon PLEASE tell me who they are? I’m frustrated that I can’t communicate with them. Thanks.

I guess it’s back to *sunshine* and *giggles* on this thing again. I created quite a scene with my drama entry.

I’m still thinking about a way to respond to all of this.

I know a few things. I know that I have worked my butt off to be involved. It’s not as though I’ve sat around doing nothing for three years and now I’m expecting a little more input and “authority” just because I’m a senior. Not at all. I’ve been A.D., three different offices, prop mistress, on the set and stage crew, and I’ve spent so much time there. From the first day of school freshman year, I was involved. Every day, 3:30 to 5:30, often later, and on Saturdays. Year round. We all know drama isn’t like a sport…it isn’t just one season. I am a drama jock, geek, whatever. It’s my life. And it’s now making me completely miserable. I came into my senior year with a lot of ideas. I saw being president as a chance to do some good things with drama, to organize it a bit more, to leave my mark.

But apparently, I won’t ever get that chance. And my name will be forgotten. *laughs* Not like I’m some legend or anything, but…I don’t know.

Theater is so amazing. Acting, tech, I love them both. OBVIOUSLY. I love being on stage, but I also love helping things run smoothly behind the scenes.

But I guess that I’ve just been wasting my time. I guess that everyone seems to think I’m just “one of the guild members.” Becaues any decisions seem to go over my head. I try to get there first, but I when I arrive, someone’s there. And I rush to make better time, but they’re just there first.

And that’s my fault, isn’t it? I’m just not good enough, I guess.

I guess I don’t know anything about theater.

I guess being in Craig drama isn’t good enough and that I should have been involved in “outside” places to really know what’s going on.

And I guess that the one thing that I used to love so much, the one thing that I was GOOD at, that was my LIFE, is now something that’s just going to fuck me over in the end.

I don’t hate anyone. I am angered and frustrated and puzzled. But there is no hate here. I have stopped hating people, really and truly. I have not really suffered that deeply to hate anyone, ever.

Maybe I’ll just quit. Just sit at home and wonder why I am one of those “typical” people that make Janesville the hell hole it is. Yeah, someone said that to me (well, left a note). And no one has ever said anything more hurtful to me. So, thank you. For being honest. I guess it’s the best policy, huh? Yeah, I really mean it. Thanks a lot. Thanks for ripping out a major chunk of my self-esteem. And thanks for basically telling me I’ll never become anything in my life. Because I’m just “one of the crowd.” When you know darn fucking well that’s not true.

I worry that by writing this, I’m going to offend people. And start another “meaningless” fight. I worry but at the same time, I do not care. I cannot bottle up my anger any more. It will physically harm me. Seriously.

I need to leave this place. I need to go somewhere where they can help me.

Because this place isn’t it.