welcome to my january

welcome to my january.

it’s not very pretty. i apologize for that straight off. but i won’t change it. i can’t. the dark holes and the bottomless pits make it what it is.

my hell. but i can’t…won’t change my past. it’s made me…WHATEVER i am right now. and i’m hoping to believe that whatever i’ve become is what i’m meant to be. and that what i’m meant to be is a good person.

but welcome to my january.

there’s snow here, of course. and ice. cold. nothing alive, growing, thinking, changing, feeling. it’s all locked up in frozen pockets in the ground. don’t try to thaw them. i am not willing to budge. what’s buried beneath the ground is going to stay there.

but, still, welcome to my january.

does it scare you? it scared them. it scared most of you. but you can’t pretend. i don’t. i talk. and, strangely, nothing gets better. nothing at all. my calender just stays stuck on january.

so maybe this isn’t welcome to my january.

maybe this is a cry for help.

so i can leave my january…

it’s not a very pretty place. i want to leave.