No tears left

Today was a hard day for me.

The usual morning, marching practice. Good lord, these frosh can’t march. Well, the one girl standing next to me could, and I noticed in the sax section that Erin could (dude, she’s getting all these kudos, how cool 🙂 ), but other than that…so crazy. D had us do nutty stuff, like mark time 4, forward 16, rear 16, etc. Or mark time 4, forward 8, rear 16, forward 24, etc. I don’t understand why the line concept is so difficult for some people.

Richelle came in. I really miss her. I got a hug, though, which made me happy. But as I was standing out on the field, marking time and playing a Bb scale, I couldn’t quite make myself happy. No Marissa, no Mike, no Chad, no John. I felt so incredibly empty. I ALMOST missed Haese. You know what I mean? You get used to something, even something annoying, and when it’s gone, you NOTICE.

I was bummed the rest of practice, so when Mitch asked I wanted to go with some people to I-House for lunch, I said I was just going to go home and sleep. As I was walking to my car, Jeff and Paul invited me to Frosty Freeze, and I didn’t really give them a clear cut yes or no. So as I was driving towards my house, I cut over to Milwaukee and headed down to get ice cream. I felt bad saying no to Mitch and then deciding to go with these guys. I don’t know. I do dumb things like that. Whatever.

When I came home, I knew I had to do some hardcore reading. So I sat down with my book for an hour and wound up with about 70 pages left. Not too shabby. Decided to squeeze blading into my schedule, so I grabbed my player and Garth Brooks and hit the trail.

But afterwards, while trying to read again, I fell asleep in Mom’s chair. It was horrible sleep. I had some disturbing dreams, and I had another one of those times where I wake up and can’t move. That terrifies me more than anything on earth. When I get into that state, there is NOTHING that can make my limbs move. I can’t talk, scream, turn my head, anything like that. Whenever it happens, I always want to scream. Scream for my mother (of all people). And I begin to have a panic attack. I don’t remember the ending of this one. I just remember waking up the phone ringing.

This was a happy part of the day. It was Katie calling, and I headed over to her house. We went to Sentry and were bargain shoppers (74 cents!), laughed at the hot dogs, and compared lemonade. When we got back to her house, Riley was there. Riley is, simply put, an amazingly cool person. Not to mention gorgeous. But I was really at ease around her and I didn’t feel awkward. More often than not, when I meet friends of friends, the first time is usually weird. But Riley is just as wacky as the rest of us (more so, even!) and it was a real treat to meet one of Katie’s very best friends.

After Katie’s graceful fall from the ladder, some spider killing, stirring the lemonade with giant spoons, and Riley taking her temperature *grin*, I made a quick run to Kohl’s for charcoal (duh, at the FRONT of the store!), then we loaded up stuff at Kat’s, and went to Palmer.

We were there from about 5 till 9. We painted Kat’s pants :), trusted Ri to start the grill (scary!), played on the equipment, took pictures, and just hung out like giggly little kids.

I brought my car home, and then Mitch came to get me. We went to Katie’s house after that and for the next few hours, we watched the Denver/Green Bay game (GB won!), played with that cube thing, blasted Ben’s mix CD, ate oatmeal and blueberries and strawberries, argued over Rock ‘n’ Rye, whispered about a certain suspicious situation, and then, around 10:45, we decided we needed pie. Micky, Bryan, Steph, and I went. It was an altogether enjoyable little trip. Stephanie was snuggling into the hood of my sweatshirt at Perkin’s, and the woman asked us if we needed a booth for two. 🙂 Random.

After devouring the French Silk in about two minutes (between 7 or so of us), the hard part of the night started. Well, it started then for me, anyways. I felt a sudden return to childhood. Some instinct told me I just need to be warm and comfortable and comforted. And my comfort came in the form of Emery’s lap. I just curled up there and stayed there until I left about half an hour later.

Katie asked if she could say something. We all listened. Mary, Ri, Keith, and Steph T. were on the couch. Emery and I were on the chair. Erin, Bryce, and Ben had one spot of floor, Mitch had another, and Steph W. and Bryan were in front of the stereo. Katie stood between Ben and Mitch.

What Katie said next was one of the most, if not THE most, beautiful thing I’ve ever heard anyone say. She cried. Then we cried. And I won’t ever forget the things she said. And how I felt at that moment. Being in a room with 9 people (don’t ask about counting) who are all loved unconditionally by beautiful, amazing Katie. It gave me this wonderful sense of connection and belonging. I will never forget that, either.

Nine of us were given our letters. And it is something I will keep for the rest of my life.

*Katie, I love you. You have made this year such a joy, amidst a lot of pain. I know you will always be able to find just the right words to help me with my problems, or help me laugh so I can forget them. I will never forget our hammock talk at Erin’s, the one on the mattress at your grad party, AIM smileys, you teaching me how to slap guys on the butt, watching “Blair Witch 2” at Ben’s (then eating tacos), our trampoline adventures with our boy(s), and every little part of you that makes you so special. Your smile, your laugh, your gestures, all the things you do are so special. 🙂 I just love you, honey.*

Coming home was not so happy. Not because of Katie (I’ll see her at least once before she leaves on Friday), but because of a topic that was brought up (unfortunately, it was my fault). And I’m still thinking about it now. And it has suddenly made me think of something Micky and I talked about in the car in the middle of Milton Ave.

And I’m not happy. And I can’t cry. And I want to.

So badly…