Trudging through a 5k and a hard lemonade

For the past week, everything seemed fine. Back to.. as normal as we could get to. Almost happiness, no hesitation, hearts in texts and sex in the computer chair. I really had no doubt we would be fine. I didn’t think about what happened much, and when I did I was able to say yes, that was awful, but I moved on. I was also drinking every night, 4-5 beers most nights. I polished off the case of Octoberfest very quickly.

Yesterday, I woke up with those thoughts in my head again. This morning, again. It is not a pleasant way to wake up, and it lasted throughout the day. I can’t even look at him. I know he is sorry, I know he wishes it didn’t happen, but it did. He was weak. Whatever we had was not as strong as I thought it was. And this won’t go away. It will never go away.

So I just woke up, again, and I made another drink. Today, it all feels bad. I keep thinking about the picture she sent him, and him saying that he is starting to rethink things with me. How he doesn’t want to feel pinned down. How he asked her to see him, if he flew down there on vacation to see "family".

I wish so bad that he stopped the conversation after telling her he wanted to marry me. If it had ended there, I would be the happiest girl in the world. But this was a test he failed, horribly. No points. Not one point for anything. I told him maybe it would make me feel better to flirt with other people. Even though that was way beyond flirting. I told him I could dig up an ex. One that would take me back in a second. Of course that is not how I want to go about things. But just the fact that I thought maybe it would help, means we are crumbling.

Some days, like today, I feel there is no saving us.

So I put Jameson in my diet cream soda, because it’s all I can think to do right now.

..a couple of hours and a football game later, he’s mad because I’m mad, and we’re both mad. I told him the bottom line is that he doesn’t respect me, and he hasn’t from the beginning. Since his ex wife called all the time, and texted, and he knew it bugged the shit out of me. He didn’t do a thing. He always put her needs above mine. And I tried to ignore it, to prevent a problem. To prevent us angry at each other, and unable to find a solution.

..but it was inevitable. Here we are. There is no solution. I am hurt and he is defensive. I’m in the bedroom, and he is on the couch. We are now in a cycle I don’t know how to stop. We are now on extremely rocky terrain, and I can’t see any clear path back to where we came from. Where we were, two months ago. When everything in the past I could forgive.

I can’t forgive, anymore.

..an hour later, I sign into OKcupid, where I met most of my dating site exes. And his profile is still there. Gabriel. Back in the states. I met him in 2010, saw him last just before I met Chris. I didn’t think we were soul mates or anything.. but man he was sexy. In the Army. They sent him to South Korea in 2011. Didn’t hear from him again. Didn’t expect to. He’s tall, Hispanic, handsome as all fricken fuck. I’m sure I wrote about how he broke my heart. And he did. But something lit up in me when I saw his profile still there.

Something came to life.

I’ve missed it.