is it ever the time for this..

The baby thing keeps coming up in my mind. It’s hard to visit OD, even, without being reminded of the Baby Thing. So many women who post here are writing of their pregnancies. Even favs who have been gone, reappear to say they are pregnant, or have already had their babies.

I just fast forward, after the diaper part. After the nausea and tired all the time, after the poop and screaming baby driving us nuts. I can’t help but think THAT is the hard part. When they grow up to have opinions, to want to experiment, and heaven forbid move to California to get mixed up in the wrong crowd for a few years. What happens when they are no longer sweet as pie, no longer want to do their homework or clean their room.

Do I want to deal with that shit? Honestly, as he/she/they grow up, will I grow old and tired/cranky.. or will I be wiser and more patient. I’ve heard that having kids changes you but in a good or bad way? Sure it’s a challenge when they hate you and won’t listen to you, but do you come out of it stronger, or weaker? Defeated by another person who needs constant attention and discipline. I wonder if I have it in me, I guess.

I do have some crazy genes. If we were to make a little us, there is a chance it could have those crazy genes and require years of meds/therapy. That is a reality. That sometimes no matter what you do, chemical imbalances win that fight. Depression runs in his family, as well as mine. Social anxiety/awkwardness as well. Sometimes I want to ask my mother what went wrong with me, so I can try not to do the same. I know Chris won’t leave, like my father did. I know he won’t be neglectful, as mine was. You can fight your way through a predisposition, but you have to have the right environment, and parents are supposed to be there to support you.

I guess everyone takes the chance. Everyone must have some crazy genes somewhere along the line. It’s just impossible for me to be oblivious to it, since I know I would have done much better if my home life was a little more stable as a child/teenager. The good thing is that I see very few similarities between Chris and my father. I don’t see Chris leaving.

I don’t know what I see for us. It’s all just a jumbled baby mess in my head. But I do know, after all the relationships and dating I’ve been through, I have never thought about these things with anyone else. I never even pictured it becoming a reality. A little family. Movie night. Spaghetti night. Picking peppers in the garden, schools plays and amusement parks. Again. This time the.. Mom???

Omg wtf.